Movie Review: Salt (2010)

One almost gets to feeling spoiled, as after Inception we have 2 weeks in a row of good movies opening. I am as grateful and shocked as you are, but still feeling the rope burns from Jonah’s Airbending Eclipse to think this anything but a hiccup of goodness amidst the mediocrity. I’m not sure what it means that The Expendables is the only thing left during the hot pocket months that genuinely generates fissions of excitement, even if it is just to see old 80’s stars groan, creak, and Ben Gay their way through exploding jeeps.

At least we have Salt to remind us what a fun summer flick should be for about 100 minutes. It’s an above average action movie that succeeds where last month’s A-Team worked only intermittently and a lot less ridiculous than Jolie’s last action attempt Wanted.

Now that I think about it, it may be my favorite Angelina Jolie movie of all time, as I’ve always thought that she was a decent actress (even if she did suffer from the Best Supporting Actress curse for a short spell), but I’ve never thought much if any of her movies. Except for Gia of course, but I only remember certain parts of those...mostly involving nudity and lesbians.

If you’ve seen the overly revealing trailer, you know exactly how the first act plays out, so bear with...

Salt opens with Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie) in North Korea getting the stuffing beaten out of her. We presume it’s because she wants to adopt North Korea’s entire population of indigent children, but it’s not. She’s accused of being a spy.

Apparently she’s such a good spy that her friend and superior Ted (Liev Schreiber) is willing to trade someone important to get her back. They propose giving away Mel Gibson but everyone’s pretty sure he hates North Koreans too.

We learn it wasn’t exactly Ted’s idea but that Evelyn’s German boyfriend Mike (August Diehl) has been causing quite a stir with embassies and such trying to find her whereabouts. Ted thought it would be best to bring her back just to shut him up.

Mike really, really loves Evelyn, and he doesn’t care she’s a spy. He’s willing to do anything to be with her. You can begin preparing the headstone on Mike’s grave right about now.

It’s 2 years later and Mike and Evelyn are married. So glad Mike’s not dead yet.

Mike is one of the world’s leading experts on Spiders. Odd, a fact like that getting such prominence in the movie. Makes one wonder if it somehow plays out later.

Evelyn is still a spy, but she’s on the verge of taking a non-lethal desk job to spend the remaining time with Mike before he gets killed.

They also have a dog. Remember this as a Very Important Plot Point.

Oh yeah, and today is their anniversary. They are so screwed.

There’s about half an hour left in the workday and Evelyn is itching to go home to Mike to celebrate. She proposes that they watch both Tomb Raiders back-to-back and he proposes that he inject himself with Black Widow venom instead because the death would be less painful.
Ted admits he will miss seeing Salt in the field but understands. It’s difficult to maintain a relationship in their line of work and is happy for Salt, even if their marriage will last for maybe another hour or so.

As they’re exiting the building, an interesting development develops developmentally. A Russian Defector named Orloff has turned himself in and is willing to share some secrets. Everyone in the building knows that Salt can tell if someone is full of shit or not so she goes back up to see what the man has to say. And she was just about to walk out the door. Even had her keys in her hands.

It’ll only take about 20-25 minutes.

Sure...

Evelyn looks bored and is only thinking about Mike and his Daddy Longlegs.

The Russian defector regales her about the Russian Empire raising children in the ways of the West in order to infiltrate and eventually destroy the Satanist regime known as America. They will look like Americans, talk like Americans, wear blue jean pants like Americans, eat the McHappy Lunch like Americans, watch American filmmovies like Harry Potter and the Whore’s Bloated Corpse (in Real 3D) like Americans but when called, these Russian Moles will strike at the heart of the American Godless infidel. It could take years, decades even before they’re called to duty, but rest assured, none of them will be black, Asian or Latino.

Salt can barely keep awake as it’s like being forced to watch Life or Something Like it, but before she yawns Orloff drops a bomb. Figuratively, not literally.

He discloses that there is a Russian Mole working for the CIA. That Russian Mole will kill the Russian President, who will make an appearance because, conveniently, the American Vice President is dead and he’s going to go to the funeral.

He reveals the name of the Russian Agent to be...Evelyn Salt.

Salt stops checking her phone long enough to realize, hey, that Russian Agent that’s going to kill the Russian President has the EXACT same name as I do. What are the odds?

Until she, and everyone else within a 200 foot radius, realizes that the Defector is talking about her.

So the chase begins, as Salt is gone in 60 seconds out of the building.

Will Salt prove her innocence? Or will Ted and agency headhunter Peabody (Chiwetel Ejiofor) have to put her down like a dog?

And speaking of Dogs, what’s going to happen to Salt’s little pooch? Will it have to stay with someone else or will Salt have to chuck Sparky down an elevator shaft just to save her own aerobicized ass?

Or is Salt really a Russian Spy, like Kevin Costner in No Way Out?

The answer to all of those questions is an unequivocal yes.

What works with Salt-

1) Yes, the action borders on the ludicrous, but director Phillip Noyce (The Quiet American, Patriot Games), stages it in such a way that you’re not thinking about that in the moment as you’re too busy mind-dodging the same things as Salt. At least you’re not thinking how awful this is as you have been for most of the summer.

2) Jolie is badass enough in this role to actually make you forget about those Tomb Raider movies, unless of course you pass by the $5 dollar bin at your local Best Buy. Now if we could only delete A Mighty Heart from our collective minds.

3) Salt proves that a fire extinguisher, table legs, and some cleaning products make for a handy dandy escape tool. Makes one want to see that scene in slo-mo, just in case you’re stuck in that same pinch.

4) (MINOR SPOILER)- If Salt makes enough money, there’s an obvious opening for a sequel, but the ending works well enough on its own so that we don’t necessarily need one.

[Editor's Note: The weekend box office numbers have not been released at the time of this post, but Salt earned $12,700,000 on Friday]

What doesn’t work-

1) (ANOTHER MINOR SPOILER)- If you go by what writer Kurt Wimmer purports, every single person in power within the intelligence community is a Russian Spy. That’s convenient, and doesn’t bode well for the recruiting practices for some of our intelligence agencies. Maybe there should be a box on the application that you check (“Check here if Russian Spy Bent on Destroying America”) just to weed out potential baddies .

2) That Angeline Jolie, after beating the Pitt out of someone, does NOT turn to the camera and say the line “Too much Salt is bad for your health”

Overall. A big dumb fun action movie that makes you want to ride Angeline Jolie, or take the ride with her as the case may be. Her best movie since...maybe just her best movie. So if you’re into a good time watching someone who’s had sex with Brad Pitt and Billy Bob Thornton(?) (sorry, nothing against Thornton, but every time I see him I think Karl from Sling Blade and it’s too unsettling to think of sex with anyone who says ‘I like them French Fried potaters’), up your cinematic sodium intake level this summer and mainline some Salt.