Sex and Death 101 (DVD Review)

Lunchtime Poll question: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

A: You go to your local video store and rent the new movie Sex and Death 101 written and directed by Daniel Waters, who wrote Heathers way back in ’89. Because even as you die you’ll be laughing, and you might as well go out with a smile on your face. And then you go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up its butt, push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

Or maybe you and the lion could watch Sex and Death 101 together and maybe share a laugh or two or maybe share the movie with the aforementioned invading aliens, and maybe, just maybe the communal viewing of the movie will make the aliens laugh so much that they’ll spare this wretched planet of ours and then you, dear Reader, will be lauded as the savior of this world. You’ll never have to pay taxes again. You’d get blown or eaten out (or both- we at 2Snaps don’t discriminate against hermaphrodites) ANYTIME you want, a button that makes all traffic lights green, and there’ll be a parking space in front with your name on it anywhere you go…

…All because you chose to click and read this review and then rent Sex and Death 101.

Do I guarantee all this will happen if you rent this movie?

Um…sure. But if saving the world isn’t enough of motivation for you to get off your ass and stick this on your Netflix queue, then there really is no pleasing you and the end of the world will be on your head. But don’t despair…

Because I will actually tell you why you should watch this movie so you don’t have to drown your I-Destroyed-the-World guilt in Éclairs and Death By Chocolate Ice Cream, stewing in self-reproach like that time your Uncle {INSERT MOLESTING UNCLE’S NAME HERE} gave you a rectal exam with his hands on your shoulders the entire time (which you found odd at the time but didn’t want to say anything because he was your Uncle) and then turned your face into a glazed donut.

But I digress.

You should watch it because it’s funny. But perhaps you’d like a little more info…

Sex and Death 101 tells the story of a man named Roderick Blank (Simon Baker- star of Land of the Dead and the Ring 2, probably other crappy horror movies). He’s about to get married to a wonderful neurotic bitch named Fiona (Julie Bowen in full bridezilla mode- “I told your sister exactly how much weight to lose to fit into that bridesmaid’s dress”). He thinks his life is just perfect. And then he gets the email that WILL CHANGE HIS LIFE FOREVER.

What’s in this email? Just the names of every woman he’s ever slept with…and every woman he’s going to sleep with. A problem arises when he looks to see Fiona’s name on the list and she’s number 29. And there happens to be 101 names (an “embarrassment of bitches”) on the list.

You know what that means? He’s destined to sleep with 573 more women on the list AFTER Fiona. Maybe my math’s wrong on that but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that soon into the movie the wedding is off and Rod is free to use his ram-rod on the remaining women. What hilarious hijinx ensues is more often than not comic un-PC gold.

Except-

There’s a woman named ‘Death Nell’ (Winona Ryder) who preys on insensitive men like Roderick Blank by seducing them and then putting them into comas.

Gee, will Nell’s real name be on the list? Well, you’re going to have to watch the movie to find out, because I’m not going to tell you.

Okay, I will tell you. YES, her name is on the list, but that’s not really ruining for you.

What would be ruining it for you would be if I said he gets castrated at the end of the movie in a form of Fellini-esque symbolism as Roderick pays the price for all the asshole men in the world. Shit, I shouldn’t have written that…

I’m kidding. That’s not what really happens in the end…

…or is it?

What works with Sex And Death 101-

1) Mindy Cohn- I had to put her here first or else I would forget. She plays Roderick’s lesbian assistant Trixie and gets laughs every time she appears (“this is an insane amount of pussy”).

If you don’t know the name Mindy Cohn offhand, you may remember the old TV show Facts of Life, where she played the plump Natalie. It’s fucking Natalie from Facts of Life!!! I thought she was dead or maybe put in jail for eating Blair, Tootie, Jo, and Mrs. Garrett.

Remember that episode of Facts of Life when George Clooney was the handyman and-

-never mind, Natalie’s funny in this movie. I mean, Mindy Cohn is funny in this movie

2) The name of the place where Roderick works

3) “Cream for your coffee?”

4) Alpha, Beta, and Fred

5) Veronica Sawyer- Winona Ryder shows us once again why she is one of the best actresses of her generation, but I’ll let you get it out of your system first…

{INSERT WINONA RYDER IS A THEIF JOKE HERE}

Winona Ryder nude scene here.

Good, now we can move on…

She’s so good in this movie that you wish the movie were more about her (“Sometimes dreams are too true to be good”). With Sex and Death 101 and her work in last year’s excellent The Ten, hopefully we’ll see more of Ryder given that she seems to have taken most of this decade off. Trust me, she’s the only reason I’d see next year’s Star Trek movie.

‘Cause as an actress, Ryder can be so very…

6) Bob’s bowtie

7) Necrophilia can be funny if you let it

8) Lenina Huxley (for English Lit majors only)

9) The Stripper Rules (“No checking the Oil”)

10) The I Love Jesus Camp Girls (“I’m curious, was there a lot of blood?”)

11) A great dialogue scene in a diner. Simple, and yet you don’t want it to end

12) Bambi and Thumper, the internet Issue-raising lesbians. Complete with swing set.

13) Drive thru fucking

14) Sophie Monk as Quid-pro-quo centerfold (“They’re my breasts, not my SAT scores”) who likes ‘pudding, air hockey, and pudding’. Please don’t let the fact that she’s naked in this movie dissuade you from renting it. You could skip those chapters if you must.

What doesn’t work-

1) Movie loses comedic steam in the last half-hour

2) Winona Ryder not in it enough

3) The ending may not fit in with the rest of the movie, but depending on the mood you’re in, may appeal to you. Watch it and you’ll know why

4) Grandma C- too obvious a joke for those of you who’ve seen the American Pie movies

5) Death Nell’s motivation is weak and drags the movie in a point where you don’t need it dragged

Overall. Watch it. It’s funny. It has breasts (if you’re interested in that sort of thing because I’m certainly not). It has breasts that laugh (maybe not). But most of all, watch it because Mrs. Garret would want you to…

See you next time Kids, I gotta motor if I want to make it to the Remington Party…