Role Models (2008) Movie Review

Fall 2008 has been christened the Fall of Banks...Elizabeth Aaron Banks. In the past 30 days, the actress has been knees-down on Bush, playing soon-to-be-ex-First-Lady Laura in W, an amateur porn starlet in Zackary and Miriam Endeavor to Make a Pornographic Film, and no doubt you’re already thinking about how much that Tale of Two Sisters remake The Uninvited is going to suck, despite her presence (slumming much, David Strathairn?).

And now Ms. Banks has a small role in Role Models, which happens to open against Soul Men starring Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson (must’ve been a really riotous press junket, what with 2/3rds of the main cast absent due to being dead). As I was watching Role Models I thought that Elizabeth Banks is the new Samuel L. Jackson, except of course...she’s white...and she’s a woman...and her penis probably isn’t as big as Sam’s...but other than that...she’s got the title if she keeps going at this pace...

Random Political Aside- I don’t confess to be a political expert, but in my opinion, I do think John McClane would have gotten more electoral votes had he not gone with dippy Justin Long in this past campaign. I thought he should have stuck with Samuel L Jackson or even portly Reginald Veljohnson as he did with previous campaigns...but I’ll guess we’ll never really know...

(What the fuck do you mean Samuel L. Jackson’s penis is bigger? Is it because he’s black that you assume his dick’s huge?)

(startled) Um....that’s not what I meant, Inner Monologue. I meant because Sam’s a guy...and Elizabeth Banks is a woman...that she doesn’t have a penis therefore making Sam’s penis larger...but this is getting away from the Role Models review in which-

(-you don’t fucking KNOW Elizabeth Banks doesn’t have a dick, do you?)

(after a moment of thought) Um...no...I guess not. I don’t know her that well

(But you ASSUME, because Samuel L. Jackson is black that he is in immediate possession of a huge black cock, and that even though there’s a small possibility that Elizabeth Banks has a dick, that it couldn’t possibly be bigger than Samuel L. Jackson’s? Isn’t that right?)

I guess you’re right, Inner Monologue. I’ll clarify. Elizabeth Banks could be considered the new Samuel L. Jackson because she appears in a lot of films in a relative short amount of time, much like Samuel L. Jackson, and any similarities in the size, width and pointiness of their respective penises has nothing to do with their respective races. How’s that Mr. Politically Correct Inner Monologue?

(I’m watching you, Cracker)

Why are you calling me Cracker...I’m Asian?

(I’m watching you Asian Cracker!!!)

Now, may I finish, no, START my review for 2Snaps before Wil fires me and then has me lynched because-

(What the fuck you do mean, lynched? Is it because our new President’s black, that you automatically think lynched?)

I just want to start the review...please

(Watch what you say, Jet Li...)

Okay...the ubiquitous and well-endowed Elizabeth Banks, along with Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott star in the new theatrical release Role Models. By the way, Inner Monologue, the theater I saw this movie in...had a large white screen

(What the fuck? Don’t play, Gong Li...)

Do you have a list of well-known Asians to choose from, because I haven’t heard to call me Jackie Chan yet. Anyway...

Paul Rudd stars as Danny.
Seann Scott is Wheeler.

They work for Minotaur Energy drink, going to local schools and extolling the virtues of Minotaur while helping to get our nation’s youth off drugs. What they don’t take into account is making stupid movies like Over Her Dead Body may have kids begin taking drugs in the first place...

Danny’s having a bad day. He’s having a bad month. He’s having a bad life. After a petty outburst in a coffee shop (where we get to learn the true meaning of venti) his lawyer girlfriend Beth (Elizabeth “Hung” Banks) breaks up with him. Then the spiral continues...

Danny and Wheeler get into a rather compromising position involving their vehicle the Minotaur Mobile, a tow truck, a statue, and 30 days in jail (“You were wrong, you furry little faggot!”). But because Beth such a good lawyer, she finagles the judge into having the rascally duo complete150 hours Community Service in lieu of jail time.

They are sentenced to serve at Sturdy Wings, an adult mentor type program run by former drug addict Gayle Sweeney (Jane Lynch, stealing every scene she’s in- “Because we couldn’t make do...my mother was a whore”).

Danny becomes a ‘Big’ to his ‘Little’ Augie Franks (played by McLovin- I know his real name’s not McLovin, but it’s really long and I don’t feel like writing Christopher Mintz-Plasse all the fucking time because unless McLovin wins an Oscar, a Nobel or rapes a nun, no one is going to remember or care about his real name. Honestly, when you saw him in the trailers, didn’t you think “McLovin!!!” not...Christopher...whatever. So for the rest of the review- and possibly the rest of his life- he will be referred to as McLovin). Augie is a cape-wielding social retard who has no friends, and not even his parents seem to like him. Danny doesn’t seem to like him because he’s geeky and weird (“If I said we should play a game of Quidditch he’d cum in his pants”).

Wheeler is latched on to a young black kid-

(-what the fuck, Sonny Chiba!!!)

I can’t help it! The kid’s black! It’s in the movie! I’m just reviewing it!

(Better watch yourself, Amy Tan...)

Wheeler is ‘Big’ to a young Bla...frican American named Ronnie (Bobb ‘e J. Thompson). Wheeler and Ronnie don’t initially get along because Ronnie is abusive, physically and verbally (“Fuck you, Miss Daisy”).

And that’s pretty much all the setup you need as it’s an able hook for decidedly R-rated humor that will appeal to adults and kids sneaking in without the aid of adults of all ages. There’ll be profanity, lewd conversations, boobs, and everything you’d expect from watching the trailers and commercials. I’m actually surprised Seth Rogen isn’t in this in some way, shape or form

What works with Role Models-

1) Danny’s Meltdown Speech in front of impressionable young people (“Fuck it”)

2) As mentioned earlier, Jane Lynch as the former drug addict/Sturdy Wings founder owns every scene she’s in, having the most nonsensical dialogue but spoken with the fervor and pathetic loserism of your High School Guidance counselor (“I had an in with the Judge...I used to suck his dick for drugs”)

And you can’t help but be mesmerized at that thing she does with the Bagel Dog, over and over again...

3) Shrek’s piss

4) Danny’s Horror Story around the campfire. I really wanted to hear the entire story though...

5) Whispering Eye

6) We learn the appropriate way to hug (“We weren’t going to buttfuck them”)

7) Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott do nothing they haven’t done in countless other comedies...and that’s not too bad. And it’s got at least a couple of more movies before it gets Will Ferrell old

What doesn’t work-

1) The only thing I can think of is the movie’s too pat-happy final act, as it makes the choice to lose whatever edge it has for the conventional predictable ending. Not saying it’s necessarily bad, but notice you’re not laughing as much

Overall. Role Models. See it as you’ll get exactly what you pay for and won’t be disappointed. But if that’s not enough to get you out of the house, then rent Role Models director David Wain’s previous movie The Ten (also starring Paul Rudd). It’s about 23.7% funnier, and you can’t beat that musical finale with Rudd, Gretchen Mol, and Winona Ryder...

There. I’m done with the review. Are you done with that racial stuff, Inner Monologue?

(Yeah whatever, William Hung...)

Let’s go get something to eat

(But first can we nightstick some homeless people like in the old days?)

(thinks about it) Sure, but we can’t discriminate. I don’t care if the homeless person is white or black or Jewish or gay...we’re not nightsticking based on profiling. We’re nightsticking the first homeless person we see

(That’s right because-)

-Noel and Inner Monologue LOOK at YOU (the reader)

-Because knowing is half the battle!!!

-So Noel and Inner Monologue go look for a homeless person to nightstick, and after that, they’re on their way to ROSCOE’S CHICKEN AND WAFFLES for a double serving of Stymie’s Choice or some Jeanne Jones Omelet with a side of The Stubby

-Because they’re going to Roscoe’s...and that GOOD EATIN’. And so ushers in a new era of peace and understanding in the galaxy, where you don’t get nightsticked by the color of your skin, but by complete and utter chance. It turns out The Joker was right after all...

CODA: Noel and Inner Monologue never found a homeless person to nightstick on their way to Roscoe’s. They did run into Elizabeth Banks there and it turns out she does NOT have a penis. She paid for their bill (plus tip) and invited them over for a screening of her new horror movie The Uninvited...which really did suck. But you already knew that