Movie Review: Sukiyaki Western Django (2008)

In an unnamed Western town, a stranger has come to settle a score...

For years, the Heike and the Genji clans have been at war to lay claim to this town’s legendary but as-yet-unseen treasure. Besides, what the hell else are they going to do except fight as there seems not to be too much going on in the town? If an entrepreneur were to use the treasure to buy a decent pool table, maybe a titty bar for the college kids, or even an old-fashioned movie theater with the bucket seats, cushy cushions and reasonably priced candy/popcorn combos, maybe people would do something more productive with their time. But as it stands, all these guys (and 2 women) do is fight...or talk about fighting...or plan to fight.

Or talk American Eastwood-speak in thick Japanese accents (“I don’t want to run from the shit anymore”).

Now, because I am from Asian descent, my family has access to Princess Leia ‘do-like earphones which allow me to translate thick Asian speaking English into something I can fucking understand. But I’ll bet you that, like me, you’ll be resetting chapters wondering ‘What the hell did that person just say?’ You’ve just been warned

But the stranger, functionally named Gunman (Hideaki Ito), is willing to sell his wares to the highest bidder.

The red-tressed Heikes want Gunman because he’s great with a gun.
The white-tressed Gengis want Gunman for the exact same reason.
Whichever team Gunman joins will probably win the age-old conflict as he’s a scale tipper, a franchise killer, kind of like Shaq before he got really old.

It seems that Gunman has plans of his own. Maybe has his eyes on the treasure. And if it takes making the two color-coordinated clans kill each other off, well then that’s what he’s going to have to do, no matter what it takes, no matter who gets killed.

We meet a woman named ______ (I can’t understand or spell these character names), who’s the lone tappable woman in this Western burg. She’s a hooker and a mother of the mute kid ________, who’s a bastard sire of the union of a Heike and a Gengi. That means that he’s fucked either way. Thanks mom. Thanks dad. Why couldn’t you just bitch and moan about grades (“You failed me!!! You got a B+!!!) like most Asian parents?

We also meet Granny, who may or not be the famed gunfighter, Bloody Benton (Hint: She is...possibly).

Say hello to Sherriff. He’s caught in the middle of this war and is as ineffectual as any movie Sherriff is in this situation, just trying to appease both sides without getting himself killed (“Think of it as a vacation”). If he had any luck he’d run into that treasure himself.

Such is the simplistic premise of Sukiyaki Western Django, the new film from director Takashi Miike (pronounced Takashi Miike), director of such family comedies like Audition and Ichi (not Scratchy) the Killer. His crimson-soaked take on the American Western is...unique, to say the least. Does that make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s more watchable than not...if you’re in the proper mood (possibly chemically enhanced)

What works with Sukiyaki Western Django-

1) The frequent shots of Arterial Spray red of which Miike is known for. That alone should satisfy die-hard Miike fans, especially a scene where a guy’s hands...just aren’t fast enough

2) Sing along to that end credits song as if you were in a karaoke bar hopped up on a lungful of Sake. You know you want to

3) Ringo’s Wheelchair

4) A beautiful shot of a baby in a rose. You really have to see it to get what I’m saying as too much description would make it sound stupid. Much like the rest of the movie

5) The Sherriff doing his best Gollum impression. It’s really one of the best moments of the movie that you actually might want to watch again as it sets itself apart from the rest of this otherwise second-rate exercise in genre-bending

6) The Final blood soaked Shootout/Battle is almost worth the hour-plus of running time you have to endure in order to get to it. It makes you wonder why the rest of the movie isn’t this good

And, you get to learn what to do if all you have is a sword and you have to kill a guy with a pair of six-shooters. Sure, you may not win, but it’ll be fun to watch

7) As leader of the White Genjis Yoshitsune (Yoshinu Iseya) gets the best, quotable lines of the movie (“You gonna come at me...or are you gonna whistle Dixie?”). He seems to be channeling the William Hurt acting style of...pausing...for no...reason, but it helps because you can understand what he’s saying.

What doesn’t work-

1) A first hour and 15 minutes that proves that no matter how much blood and gore you can throw at the screen, audiences won’t really care unless there are halfway decent characters and a reasonably coherent story line. You will wonder if the movie gets any better, and if you’re particularly impatient...you’ll skip to the last 2 chapters

2) Writer/director Quentin Tarantino has a (thankfully) brief cameo as Ringo. And for those of you who’ve seen him try to ‘act’ (mostly in his and Robert Rodriquez’ movies), you know that he...can’t. He says every line in his typical stop/start fashion, reminding everyone that he’s not playing an actual character (which he’s seemingly incapable of except in From Dusk Till Dawn)...but only some version of him you’ve seen in numerous interviews. You’d think someone as capable a filmmaker as Tarantino would realize how bad he is in front of the camera

3) A pointless dance scene. You think/hope the lady’s going to strip or something...but no, she’s just dancing for no reason at all except to drag the movie on

4) Only thing worse than QT’s attempted “Western” accent: His attempted Irish accent

Overall. For those of you who’ve fetishized over Meryl Streep in a nun’s habit, Doubt is coming out this December. But for those of you who’ve always wanted to see a Western peppered with Japanese actors speaking English in elongated syllables...then this is the film for you. If you wanted a good movie, you’re fucked like Ned Beatty in Deliverance, but if you wanted complete and utter mediocrity, then put this in your Queue right now and lower them expectations...

And make sure your Subtitle Feature works