Movie Review: Twilight (2008)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull...

Quantum of Solace...

And now add Twilight to the very short and select list of movies that need no positive or negative reviews to make gajillions of dollars because they have a built-in audience who would burn their training bras and save the money they were going to use to get their first Tampax box in order to see this opening weekend, along with all their BFF’s, except for that bitch Stacy Bittorrent who Natalie Limewire saw with Kip Humpdingy at the mall getting Jonas Brothers tickets but Stacy said she was going with Kara Manilow but Kara didn’t want to go with Stacy because of something she heard at Ginny Weasely’s party over at Kelly Klingon’s house and now if it’s true that Kip is going with Stacy then it means that he’s SO TOTALLY cheating on Kit Kitteredge (she’s an All American Girl) which would confirm that he was cheating on Sara Solarpower when they were dating, and everyone knows that Kip Humpdingy is such a total slut, even Heather McNamara said so even all the way from Westerburgh so you know it has to be true...

(Um yeah...I completely concur with what you just said even though I’m not completely sure what it meant)

I just said... that bitch Stacy Bittorrent who Natalie Limewire saw with Kip Humpdingy at the mall getting Jonas Brothers tickets but Stacy said she was going with Kara but Kara didn’t want to go with Stacy because of something she heard at Ginny Weasely’s party over at Kelly Klingon’s house and now if it’s true that Kip is going with Stacy then it means that he’s SO TOTALLY cheating on Kit Kitteredge (she’s an All American Girl) which would confirm that he was cheating on Sara Solarpower when they were dating, and everyone knows that Kip Humpdingy is such a total slut, even Heather McNamara said so even all the way from Westerburgh so you know it has to be true...

(Okay, I agree now. Especially because I heard it last week from Tina Toboggan and it’s all over her Facebook and Suicide Girls profiles...)

That being said, I realize that I’m not the target audience for a film like Twilight, so, along with my own thoughts and feelings on the film, I thought I’d get another perspective to kind of balance things out. So I and Inner Monologue went to the _____ Mall, and asked 15 year-old Nikki Monchichi if she would like to watch Twilight with us and give us and you the viewers her thoughts...

(But Nikki called us creeps and tried to run away...)

But because we’re dedicated to give you the 2Snaps.tv Reader a review just like every other review you can read on the web, we caught up with Nikki and injected a vial of this smelly blue liquid –

-Noel HOLDS UP what looks to be a gallon jug of...either industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner or that weird Smurf- blue flavor of Hawaiian Punch

-into her neck. Don’t worry, it won’t kill her...at least I don’t think it will. It’ll just knock her unconscious. Don’t worry again, we’re not pervs, we really just want to hear her opinion of the movie...by any means necessary... Inner Monologue, would you open the back door to our nondescript white van that we just threw Nikki into and drove into this deserted pier off Highway ___ in _____, California...

(We’ve taken the utmost care of Nikki, as we’ve wrapped her in carpet so she has some kind of cushion during the bumpy ride)

-Inner Monologue OPENS the back door of the nondescript WHITE VAN and sure enough, a large orange ROLL OF CARPET makes its way out of the van and onto the pier...

-15-year old Nikki Monchichi is sure to be there somewhere

-After a moment, a HAND rolls out of the carpet tube rather weakly...

Man, I hope I didn’t inject too much of this blue stuff into her neck. Otherwise, how am I going to get a different perspective on the movie?

-Inner Monologue UNROLLS a bit of the carpet to find that

-15-year old Nikki’s face is as BLUE as the jug of liquid

(There’s something you don’t see everyday. Nikki looks kind of like Mystique)

Shit! She’s dead! How am I going to do this review?

-Noel UNROLLS the carpet some more and REACHES into Nikki’s pants’ pocket

-He PULLS OUT her phone

-He SCROLLS her numbers and PUSHES the number to ‘Mom and Dad’

(What are you doing?)

Covering my tracks...(into phone) Yeah, Mrs. Monchichi. I’m Officer Disney from the Metro Police. Nikki won’t be home for dinner tonight, but she’s fine and don’t worry-

-Noel HANGS UP the phone and throws it into the ocean

-He then KICKS Nikki, still partially rolled up in carpet, over the pier and into the drink where here phone sunk a matter of moments ago...

-But Nikki is NOT sinking

(She’s not sinking)

I’m sure it’ll be fine...but I have an idea about how we can pull this off...

(Pull this off...as in murder of a minor?)

No, the review. YOU can pretend to be Nikki. The lovely people over at 2Snaps.tv don’t know your voice and they can’t see you. You ARE Nikki, for all they know, just speak like a 15-year old girl...

(That’s so stupid...but it’s worth a shot so at least we can start this review. I’ll do my best...but I’ve never been a 15-year old girl before and I don’t know how to relate to teens...)

I’m sure it’ll be fine. Now I can actually begin the review...

If you know any girl under the age of 17, chances are she’s seen this movie twice and maybe a third time before you finish reading this, has read each of Stephanie Meyers’ teen vamp romance sage dozens of times, and can give you an overly-detailed synopsis on the movie, maybe even the books, and especially what happened on page 156...

(trying to sound like Nikki) (“I love those books. They’re my favorite!!! I read them more than I do my homework. Swoooooonnnnn!!!”)

Very convincing Inner Monologue. I mean “Nikki”. But if you’re a guy and wondering if you should go with your girlfriend to this movie or just watch Quantum of Solace again here goes...

Bella Swan (the excellent teen actress Kristen Stewart) is just your average girl in an average town inhabited by the pussiest bunch of vampires you’ve ever seen...But we’ll get to that later

Her mother is touring the country with her new husband, a minor league ballplayer. This provides the convenient hook so Bella can move in with her father Charlie (Billy Burke, not cast as an asshole this time) in the rainy little town of Forks, Washington. She goes to Hogwarts School of Magic and is in her third year. But she faces the challenges of any 17-year old girl trying to fit in...

She’s uncoordinated and can’t play volleyball worth shit.
Snape keeps on picking on her because that fucking scar on her head keeps on sizzling.
She and her friends try on homecoming dresses (“It makes my boobs look good”), but she’s not into it...because our young Bella is distracted. By a boy...

His name is Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson). He’s the insular quiet type who hangs around exclusively with members of his own family (we know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like that...wait, it IS like that). We meet the rest of the Cullen Crew: Emmet (Kellan Lutz), Rosalie (director Catherine Hardwicke regular Nikki Reed), Peter, Bobby, that cunt Marcia, Jan, Cindy, Fat Albert, Mushmouth, Jasper (Jackson Rathbone)...all led by their ‘Father’, Dr. Carlisle Cullen (Peter Facinelli...the dude from Can’t Hardly Wait is all growd up).

The Cullens are not like other folk. Why? They’re vampires...in case you hadn’t noticed. They follow the vampire rules of no sunlight, don’t pour water on them, and NEVER EVER feed them after midnight-

(“I think that’s...Gremlins”)

Same thing. Anyway, these vampires also lust after human blood, but since Carlisle is such a pussy, he and the Cullens just feast on animal blood.

There seems to be come kind of attraction between Bella and Edward, and it just kills Edward to love Bella because he also wants to kill her when he gets near her. It’s a dilemma we all go through....

(“Isn’t Edward just...dreamy?”)

Um, “Nikki”...I don’t think that teenage girls say “dreamy” unless they’re rehearsing for a 50’s earthquake drill

Edward saves Bella from getting killed. In doing so, he has to use his vampire powers. Soon Bella figures out what he is and consequently what the Cullens are, but at least Bella has a boyfriend now...

But people are being killed, but what authorities are calling a ‘wild animal’. What are the odds that it’s NOT a wild animal...but something else entirely?

(“Oooooh. I’ve read the books. I’ll bet it’s a vamp-“)

Let’s not ruin this for the good readers, shall we “Nikki”. Let’s just say that love...gets a little more complicated and Bella’s teenage angst happens to have a relatively high body count. And no it doesn’t involve some loser shooting up a school, because that is so 90’s

What works with Twilight-

1) When you read the basic premise of the book/movie, it sounds pretty stupid. Well, it is pretty stupid, but because Robert Pattinson and Kirsten Stewart have genuine chemistry together that the movie works so well. Very well. I suppose the highest compliment I can pay to the \Twilight movie is that it makes me want to read the other books (months from now) even though I’m not a huge YA fan.

2) Kirsten Stewart is the next Evan Rachel Wood. If only I could Catch That Kid or Jumper or The Messengers deleted out of my mind. Thank goodness the film rests on her shoulders, because she’s a holds the screen much more forcefully than Pattinson. How she could get a line like “I’m afraid of losing you” without cracking up is amazing...then again, we haven’t seen the outtakes.

(“But Edward’s sooooooo gorgeous”)

Yeah...

3) Director Catherine Hardwicke’s niche seems to be portraying the woes of being a teenager without making non-teens completely bored (Thirteen, Lords of Dogtown, and the Juno-like teen pregnancy comedy The Nativity Story) and she’s the perfect choice to direct something like Twilight in that the makes the dubious relationship between Bella and Edward more believable than not by getting out of the actors’ way...

But Hardwicke missteps when...

4) Twilight author Stephanie Meyer makes a cameo as...Stephanie

(“But Edward’s so gorgeous”)

What doesn’t work-

1) The main bad guy in the movie James (Cam Gigandet) comes across about as dangerous as...someone who illegally brings a camera into a theater then starts recording. He looks like someone about to be busted for selling pot to kids than a lethal vampire “tracker.”

2) Hardwicke missteps during the lame action scenes as they seem thrown together from the outtakes of other action scenes. I realize that the love story was the focus, but at least TRY.

3) Unlike 1998’s Twilight...no topless Reese Witherspoon. If you pay attention to that sort of thing, which I certainly do not.

4) A vampire baseball sequence that goes on way too long.

Overall. If I was 14, I’d give this movie an A. But I’m not, so this movie gets a solid B. I had an entirely different review written in my mind, but thanks to Hardwicke and Kirsten Stewart, I had to think of positive things to say...because the movie earns them.

There, now we’re done. Maybe we should go to the theater again and get another teenage girl, because you sucked as a teenage girl...

(I thought I was pretty good. Did you hear my “Edward’s so gorgeous” interjections?)

THE END

But, for those of you that need one here’s an ALTERNATIVE HAPPY ENDING

There, now we’re done. Maybe we should go to the theater again and get another teenage girl, because you sucked as a teenage girl...

(Wait, what’s that noise?)

-Noel and Inner Monologue LOOK to see Nikki CLIMBING up the pier ladder

-She looks no worse for wear, as if being injected with window cleaner hasn’t affected her one bit

Nikki...you’re okay

NIKKI
Yeah, I’m fine. And no worse for wear. As if being injected with window cleaner hasn’t affected me one bit

(Are you going to press charges?)

NIKKI
No...I think a rash has cleared up and I think I’ve jumped from an A cup to a C...

That’s great. Is there anything you’d like to say to the audience?

NIKKI
Yes. I’ve learned if creepy guys ask you if you want to see a movie with them and you refuse and then they kidnap you and inject you with cleaning solution and temporarily kill you and then leave you to drown...well, it just may be the best thing that happens to you. So kids, talk to strangers, and accept offers of rides and candy...and Stacy Bittorrent’s a bitch and Kip Humpdingy’s a slut. But I can’t seem to find my phone

Couldn’t have said it better myself...