DVD Review: Australia

Last November, Australia opened to thousands of screens across the country and was met with savage reviews and box-office indifference usually reserved for movies starring Cuba “Can you believe he has an Oscar?” Gooding Jr. or Josh “Can you believe he has a career?” Hartnett. You intelligent blokes and sheilas saw its promos, thought it looked cheesy and stayed away in droves. Good on ya mate, as you and millions like you missed one of the more blackout-inducing movies of 2008

But I, being the cinewhore that I am, stupidly paid to see this (which was as wise an investment as buying that stock in Teddy Ruxpin) and WAS going to review it for 2snaps...but I couldn’t. Mainly because I was so fucking bored that I think I drifted off more than once, entreating the movie gods that the movie would end or at least end my life but getting my hopes and dreams quashed hour after interminable hour.

I normally don’t take notes while watching movies I’m going to review simply because if I forget something I’ll just make it up. But when I woke up from my coma that Thanksgiving weekend I noticed “notes” all over my arms that I had written with the jagged edges of my car keys simply to keep myself awake due to the pain. It wasn’t entirely successful as I passed out from boredom or blood loss or a combination of both, but I’m guessing it was mostly boredom (I can see you who’ve seen the movie nodding your head in agreement and checking the scars on your arms/neck as well) Yes, the wounds are healing nicely but they’ll always remind me of that incessant time at the movies trying to endure Australia and failing miserably

This is what’s engraved on my left arm-

“Wish I was watching...Bolt”

“And they say Twilight’s boring...but least it ends”

“Tell my wife I love her...she’ll understand why I died...if she chooses to watch Australia...on second thought...don’t let her watch Australia”

My Right Arm-

“Lost...so much blood...and the movie’s not even halfway over”

“If I hear Over the Rainbow one more time I’m slicing my wrists downward with the vein...and there it goes...”

“Passing...out...hope this movie isn’t playing when I get my stomach pumped”

We’ve all been to the theater during the daytime and left when it gets dark, but to have it happen the other way around is something truly scary to behold. I’m not sure, but I think there was a couple in the theater that had unprotected sex during the screening (I think she got drip-drop wet when Hugh Jackman was taking that bath) to stave off apathy, the girl got pregnant and had a kid, and the kid started junior high right as the end credits rolled.

Yes, you were all correct to ignore this movie. But now that it’s out on DVD you can ignore it from the privacy of your own home or if you do decide to rent it, you have the power of the STOP button on your remote. Believe me, you will use it many, many times before the movie mercifully ends.

Why, might you ask, am I trying to watch this again if I didn’t like it very much the first time? Simple. To give it a second chance and to get any parts I missed while I was off in dreamland wishing for a better movie.

Watching this movie again makes me realize that second chances are overrated and that I should have stocked up on Red Bull and speed.

What really sucks is that such a beautiful continent/country Australia is now synonymous with such a crappy movie. It’s one thing for director Baz Lurhmann (Moulin Rouge) to damn himself with mediocre work, but do you have to take down your homeland as well. This movie could have been named ‘Aussie Movie’ written and directed by Freidburg and Seltzer and the only difference would have been an exponentially shorter running time and the meager laughs would have been intentional.

Good things about Australia...to balance things out since Baz Luhrmann fucked it up for everybody: Russell Crowe, Nicole Kidman (not in this film though), Nicole Kidman’s sister, Heath Ledger (except in The Order, Lords of Dogtown, The Four Feathers, Candy), Scoreland Voluptuous Model of the Year Angela White, my local Outback Grill, Salma Hayek, Pete Murray, Ang Lee, Steve Irwin, and I’d say Mel Gibson, but odds are that he hates both me and you as well .

Synopsis- I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I’m sure I’m missing huge chunks of story as I kept looking at the counter wondering when the movie would FINALLY get going. But I didn’t care as I’m sure you don’t because...it’s Australia.

It’s Australia, 1939.

A greedy cattle baron named Carney (Bryan Brown, making me wish I was watching Cocktail) wants to take over all the farms in Australia because that’s what rich people do. He has his eyes set on one particular farm...Faraway Downs, owned by a man named Maitland Ashley.

Ashley is mysteriously killed and the charge of Faraway Downs is left to his prissy English wife Sarah (Nicole Kidman, one of my favorite actresses though that’s put to the test in this movie). She will take charge of Faraway Downs because she won’t get gouged by Carney as his cohorts. Sure, she’s bummed about her husband’s death, but what matters is...

...SHE’S SINGLE NOW!!!! (insert 70’s porn music here). But she’s a grieving widow with a job to do, and no man could possibly distract her from her cause, which involves moving a bunch of cattle to a ship in Australia and taking care of an aboriginal kid named Nullah (Brandon Walters). She has to time for love or commitment, only the task at hand...

...Which involves a shirtless bloke named Drover (Hugh Jackman) and his ability as a cow whisperer and cattle wrangler (more 70’s porn music).

Sarah pretends not to notice Drover, although it’s hard not to notice People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive, and she has some questions about The Fountain that she might want answered.

Drover was married once and she died, so he can’t form any real connection, even though he wants to and we’ve all seen a character like this done in better, shorter movies. But it just hurts too much (ooooh, he’s sensitive too- he’ll go down on you first...). Besides, he’s way more into horses, but not in THAT way. Well, maybe in that way...

They chastely flirt, but you know that 4 fours of running time later Sarah will have a little red ball strapped to her mouth while Drover’s pounding her from behind trying out new songs for next year’s Oscars.

THIS IS 40 MINUTES INTO THE MOVIE AND IT REALLY HASN’T STARTED YET AND I’M GETTING SLEEPY JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS SO I’LL SKIM THE REST.

-Sarah and Drover take cattle to Darwin, Australia and you’re hoping and praying the movie ends there, but you’d be very, very wrong.

-Japanese attack Darwin during WWII, PG-13 mayhem and cheesiness ensues

-After 23 possible endings the credits finally roll although you probably checked out 3 hours ago to live what’s left of your life

THERE. I’VE MANAGED TO CONDENSE THE FINAL 8 HOURS OF SCREENTIME INTO 3 SENTENCES. YOU’RE WELCOME.

What doesn’t suck about Australia-

1) Brandon Walters- it’s one thing to be have a good performance in a good movie, but to make a compelling character in one as second-rate as Australia is truly an achievement. He’s pretty much the only character in the movie that doesn’t reek of Saran Wrap thin cliché and the only one you really care about what happens to, and not just because he’s a kid. The other characters you could give a fuck about and just wish their screen deaths if only because it’ll mean the movie’s a little closer to being done.

2) The Cattle Stampede you might have heard about is the highlight of the movie, although its climax had me laughing derisively as a character does a stance aping Yoda in Attack of the Clones. After this sequence you can STOP the movie and never think about it again, because it really doesn’t get better than that and there’s another 6 hours to go. Trust me.

3) By Comparison, not Hugh Jackman’s worst movie of 2008 as Deception was just truly awful. Although you know Australia’s bad when I have to think up stuff like this to pad this section of the review.

4) David Wenham, as the movie’s main villain Fletcher is so one-dimensional over-the-top that he deserves to be lauded simply for keeping me awake because of his overacting. Cartoon bad guys have better development than this, but when he’s onscreen you’re grateful because he’s eliciting a response other than boredom, eye-rolling, and gagging. Any port in the storm...

Wenham and Hugh Jackman starred together in 2004’s awful Van Helsing. Van Helsing is a better movie if ONLY because it’s an hour shorter, maybe 2...or 3

What sucks about Australia-

1) The movie clocks in at 165 minutes, but it feels sooooooo much longer. It’s the DMV-wait Movie of 2008.

2) Over the Rainbow- I’ve never thought a lot about this song, except that it’s in The Wizard of Oz. Now I fucking hate it, and by the time you finish this movie...you will to.

3) Nicole Kidman- Yes, she’s one of my favorite actresses, and this is some of the worst work she’s done, and yes, I’m including Fur. Her character’s 2 modes are whiny/annoying or determined/annoying. And that’s about it. It’s not really a good idea to base such a long film on a character so generic, but then again very little in this movie was a good idea. I’ll chalk this one up to “everybody gets to do a bad one once in a while”. And please resist the temptation to take a pin to her cheeks to make them explode.

4) “Let’s go home”

“There’s no place like it”

Yeah, those are actual lines in the movie. I’ll give you a couple of moments to get the laughter out of your system. I have to see the outtakes of this movie to see the takes in which Kidman and Jackman actually vomit while saying lines this brainless. Whatever these 2 fine actors were paid...it wasn’t enough

5) A cringe-worthy climax involving a boat, a harmonica...and that fucking song. I’m guessing it’s difficult to misstep so much during a movie, almost as difficult as it is to get everything right...but Australia pulls off this Epic (as in failure) quite nicely

6) A scene in a bar in which Jackman has to c-c-c-cry while saying the line “Just because it is...doesn’t mean it should be”. Not counting anything in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder, this has to be one of the funniest scenes of last year. Too bad it wasn’t done on purpose.

7) Michael Bay would be proud- I’m sure I’m not the only one to think this, and in reference to that Cuba Gooding Jr./Josh Hartnett reference earlier, it finally hit me what this movie reminded me of, and not in a good way: Pearl Harbor of course, except Australia obviously has a much better class of actor. It’s overpriced empty-spectacle hokum that’s a letdown on nearly every level that’s important. Is Pearl Harbor really the cinematic precedent you want to be evoking?

Overall. The sad part is, there’s a halfway decent piece of entertainment buried in this 3 hour mess, and if it were cut by a third, it might have been digestible. But...go see it for yourself, and make sure to make out your will beforehand and keep the remote close by. You’ll thank me later.

PS- Oddest and only DVD extra: deleted scenes. I can’t believe that there were scenes in this movie that were actually cut. But I’m sure you and millions- oh, who am I kidding?- thousands of viewers can thinks of dozens or more scenes that deserved the ax as well. Baz Lurhmann was supposed to do a commentary, but I think he fell asleep watching it too.