Twilight Author Stephenie Meyer Not Dead, Is Obviously a Vampire

As investigative journalists, we regularly put ourselves on the line to help bring important stories to the public. Being on the cutting edge means taking risks. Sometimes these risks yield proper fruit, while other times they yield something different. When the latter is the case, it is the responsibility of any self-respecting journalist or journalistic organization to set the record straight. Let it never be said that we are not the keystone in the towering archway of journalism.

2snaps.TV reported yesterday that famed and beloved author of the Twilight series, Stephenie Meyer, was deceased -- the result of an apparent suicide. Though we have in the past, and continue to now stand by our sources, it seems as though our reporting of Meyer's death was in error.

Only hours after our sources indicated Meyer's husband had discovered her body, then believed to be expired approximately 36 hours, Meyer herself printed the following statement on her official website,

While we can assure everyone our reporting of Meyer's death was not intended as a prank, it can hardly be argued that our report can now be considered accurate. Clearly, Stephenie Meyer is not dead, but can only be assumed to be undead, now reborn as a member of a vampire clan -- not unlike those Meyer herself has written about in her "fictional" novels.

Though this brings about many questions on the circumstances surrounding Meyer's apparent death and resurrection, it may help shed some light on long standing questions about Meyer's writings. Literate, plot-seeking readers of classic, time honored vampire fiction like Bram Stoker's Dracula and The Vampyre have long wondered where Meyer scored balls big enough to betray unquestioned vampire lore such as sunlight being fatal to vampires (seriously, sparkling fucking vampires?). The answer seems to be more shocking than what most of us had previously assumed: that Meyer had to dream up with a way for her erotic vampire protagonist to attend high school during daylight hours -- where he could actually get laid -- a fictional dream sequence in sharp contrast to the real life experiences of Meyer's rabid fan base and the literal hook and line that captures so many Twilight readers. The shocking real answer is now all too obvious.

As the recently deceased Meyer seems to have risen from the grave to assure her fanbase she is well, one can only assume Meyer is a now vampire herself and thus has been genuinely and intimately acquainted with true vampire culture for some time. Quite clearly, Meyer has been in close contact with actual vampire hives, which have fed her well guarded secrets about vampire culture, in return for what we do not yet know. Given Meyer's return from the grave, there seems little explanation other than that Meyer's sparkling associates performed some sort of dodgy vampire magic on her corpse, thus resurrecting her from the beyond.

Meyer and her spokesperson have refused comment. Spokespersons for Twilightstars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have also declined to speak with 2snaps.TV.

Whether this returns hope of a completed Midnight Sun to Meyer's readers also remains unknown. Surely, however, an undead Stephenie Meyer is much more likely to complete the fifth installment in the Twilight series than a dead one.

Fingers crossed.