Movie Review: Fast and Furious

Before 300 showed audiences the world over what a group of gay men united in a common cause can achieve. That and some nifty well-oiled dance-fighting moves...

Before Brokeback Mountain showed us that true love needs no hat or saddle size and that tents are A-Ok if you really want to warm up from the cold sheepherder-style.

Arguably, all those landmarks in film history owe their genesis to the success of 2001’s The Fast and the Furious. Remember Quentin Tarantino’s monologue in Sleep with Me about how Top Gun was a man’s struggle with accepting his own homosexuality and that the planes represented penises? Well, that was the 80’s.

In the Aught and the Fast and the Furious series you can replace ‘Planes’ with ‘fast cars’ equipped with huge phallic-shaped cans of Nitrous. It ain’t subtle, kids. The F and the F broke barriers that weren’t thought possible in mainstream cinema, introducing us to Dominic “You thought you had ME (at hello)” Toretta (Vin Diesel) and Brian O’ Connor (played by the spectacularly untalented Paul Walker).

You remember, O’ Connor as an undercover cop infiltrating some illegal racers or something. What really affected us back in ’01 was the lie O’ Connor was really living: How much he wanted Torretta to ride his throttle. The opening race between them was never more revealing: O’ Connor letting off his NOS wayyyyy too early (sign of a very, very young man a little too excited), and Torretta teaching him the ways of the Street Racer, when to shoot off your load and just how to hold it until the very last moment. Touching, uncompromisingly adult stuff. Sure, they had their dalliances with the opposite sex (Diesel with Michelle Rodriquez, and Walker with Jordana Brewster), but we all know what was really going on. You could practically hear that Katy Perry song in the background (the slow one, not that one about girl-kissing) as they unconvincingly tried to maintain their hetero ruse.

And that climax at the border when Brian lets Torretta go is indelible in audiences’ memories much like Kate and Leo’s final scene in Titanic:

Brian lets Torretta go, but not before one final tender clasping of the hands.

Brian utters the line, a singular tear rolling down his eye (if I remember correctly when I saw this in the theaters the crowd was bawling): “How about a kiss...we never got to have a first kiss...”

And then Torretta says right before the end credits roll: “When I finally kiss you, I want to be able to do it over and over again. I won’t want just one. Now’s just not the time. I’ll see when I close my eyes, mon cher.” And then Torretta takes off and we are stunned, amazed at what we have just witnessed and not wanting it to end.

Legendary director Stanley Kubrick has been quoted as saying that the best love stories are the ones where they don’t end up together at the end. Strictly based on that ending, The Fast and The Furious is one of the greatest love stories of the decade. Since the movie made so much damn money that summer, a sequel was inevitable. Audiences expected a bigger budget with Bigger crashes and hopefully a sweaty Diesel/Walker reunion...but where they, was ANYONE prepared for what happened in the Summer of ’03?

The movie: 2 Fast 2 Furious. Not only does it further explore Brian’s acceptance with his own homosexuality, but it manages to be an INTERRACIAL gay love story as well. Groundbreaking. We meet Brian’s first boyfriend Roman (Tyrese Gibson) and it’s another story of lost love. We find out that Brian let Torretta go in the first movie partially because of some guilt he had with his failed relationship with Roman. Truly Heartbreaking. Leave it to the director of Boyz N the Hood to make a love story so enthralling.

The most telling gay moment (lest you thought I was making this up)- When Roman chides Brian for having the heterosexual GALL to check out Eva Mendes. If you have the DVD go to the scene at the mansion when they give the main bad guy the cigar (yeah, that’s not gay either)...I’ll wait.

They’re walking behind Eva Mendes...never a bad view

Roman says “You were checking her out...”

Brian: “No I wasn’t....”

Roman: “Yeah...you WERE!!!” And he’s all huffy and pouty about it too. You can practically hear him think I went sleeveless just for YOU and you go and check that bitch out.

Brian (sheepishly): Yeah, I was...

This is illuminating because you which of your straight friends actually clown you for checking out EVA MENDES? Your gay straight friends, that’s who...

I’ll admit, the chemistry between Walker and Gibson isn’t as searing, but we, and Roman, realize that Brian’s heart, along with other appendages, will always belong to Toretta...

-Then there was that idiotic Tokyo Drift movie, which was bad even by Fast and Furious very lax standards. Going to Japan didn’t help the Bad News Bears, and it certainly doesn’t help this sad crew.

So 8 long years later, we get the Walker/Diesel reunions films fans in this long-awaited sequel have been waiting for. I’m not really sure that it’s really been all that long awaited, as it seems as though all the principles signed on because it was a paycheck and that none of their careers have really gone ANYWHERE in 8 years...

-Did enough people actually SEE Babylon AD in its 72-hour theatrical run to realize what a truly horrendous movie it was?

-The last Movie I actually SAW Michelle Rodriquez in was...Bloodrayne. I’m not sure which one of us is more embarrassed, that I admit to seeing it or that she can’t delete the fact that she was in it. Perhaps that’s why she has that scowl permanently etched on her face. That Billy Zane played her DAD of all things can’t help either.

-Ditto Jordan Brewster with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre prequel.

-And I don’t watch Paul Walker movies unless they have the words Fast and Furious in them...because he’s one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen and that his inept Hartnettness every time he bungles a line reading makes me sad that he makes more money than you and I combined and that maybe I should send my answering machine to his auditions because they have pretty much the same line delivery. Flags of our Fathers doesn’t count since he’s (thankfully) barely in it.

The plot...such as it were considering this is an F and F movie...

After near-botched highway robbery, Dominic Torretta is having second thoughts about the life he leads. About robbing and that he’s wanted all over the world. He’s also having second thoughts about is relationship with Letty (Michelle Rodriquez) because he doesn’t want her around when he finally gets captured...and he can no longer live the lie of being straight when it’s been 8 long years since he promised his blonde surfer boy a kiss...and he means to deliver.

Brian’s still catching Bad Guys and cuffing them up but not before he frisks them thoroughly. Except every once in while he takes out the picture he and Dominic took from the first F and F (you know, the one where Dom is sitting on Brian’s lap at the photo booth in the mall with matching Orlando Bloom shirts) and sniffs it wistfully , much like Heath Ledger smells Jake Gyllenhaal’s jacket in Brokeback Mountain. I realize that Heath Ledger dead is still an exponentially better actor than Paul Walker alive, but it’s still a touching moment nonetheless.

But something happens!!! Letty is murdered until she dies, which saps Dom out of his shlong-longing and puts him in mind for vengeance. Brian has been keeping tabs on Letty as well.

Brian and Dom’s reunion scene is one for the ages. It’s like when you saw Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy lock eyes again in Before Sunset...except gayer. I normally wouldn’t do this because I don’t want to ruin too much, but I feel this scene should be transcripted as best as I can remember it...

Dominic is standing over a window. Brian WALKS over to him and puts a hand on Dom’s muscular shoulder.

Dom: “I’d know that shoulder rub anywhere, except your hands are dry and crusty, not soft and oily as I remember them.”

Brian: “I’m sorry Letty’s dead...but I’m really not. You remember that promise you made me 8 years ago?”

Dom: “When we find Letty’s killer, I’ll fulfill that promise. I owe her that. I think she knew...about us.”

Brian: “I check your Suicide Girls profile 7 times a day. Is it really a good idea to keep a Suicide girls page when all these cops are after you?”

Dom: “I was going to go on Who wants to Be a Millionaire but some damn meddling Indian Kid took my idea. I’m going to knock the Jai Ho out of him as soon as he stops dancing at that train station. Who the fuck dances at a train station anyway?”

Brian: “We danced at a train station...once. I thought you’d never let go. Again...is it a good idea to go on a Game show if all these cops are after you?

Brian GRABS Dom by the waist and they are arm in arm, face to face after 8 years...

Dom: “I said that when I kiss you I want to do it over and over. I also want to (WHISPERS SOMETHING IN BRIAN’S EAR)...but only after Letty’s killer is taken care of...

The rest of the movie has car chases galore and scantily-clad women. But we all know you want to see Fast and Furious because at last you’re curious to see if Dom and Brian’s long-gestating romance finally comes to fruition.

What works about Fast and Furious-

1) Vin Diesel as Dominic Toretta as...The Crash Whisperer. This scene would be ludicrous if it weren’t so well done.

2) The opening sequence, almost ruined by the trailer, reminds you why don’t feel guilty plunking down your money for such meaningless trash.

3) The mod montage- Brian and Dom intercut as they soup up their cars. We know what they’re thinking when they’re strapping on that nitrous and screwing in those...parts

4) Just how dedicated is Dom to Brian? He sidesteps the advances of the hot Bad Guy assistant with the see-thru tank top (Gal Godol). In the theater, someone yelled out “NIPPLES!!!” That’s pretty crass as I merely thought “It must be cold in that garage...” Decorum wins out every single time.

5) A link to Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift, if you’re wondering about a certain character in the beginning of the movie that might look familiar.

---Most Obvious Gay moment- Alpha Chino (Brandon T. Jackson) from Tropic Thunder makes an appearance. If you remember from Thunder, Alpha is gay (“Lance”) and in this movie Jackson spends the majority of his screentime ramming Vin Diesel from behind (in his car). Again, it’s not subtle.

6) To balance things out...you do get numerous shots of Girlz kissing Girlz. Aye Papi!!!

What doesn’t work-

1) the climax in the tunnels is nowhere near as exciting as the 2 other major chases in the movie.

2) MASSIVE SPOILER- DON’T read unless you’ve seen the movie...as this pertains to the ending and question seems apropos considering what it asks you to believe- SPOILER NOW--- We know what Walker and Co. are trying/going to do...but what about the other prisoners? Are they going to be let go to? Sounds like a really stupid plan.

3) Walker, sucking as usual. I’d love to see this guy give a good performance, I really would. I’d also like to not pay taxes and get free gas for life.

Overall. If you can manage to pry yourself away from that Wolverine download or wondering where the hell the Special Features are on your newly acquired (and no doubt newly jizzed on) Slumdog Millionaire DVD (just call the number and Fox’ll send you a replacement disc fast and furious-like), go to the theater and see Fast and Furious...the best of the previous 3 movies. Best, being a relative term considering it’s The Fast and the Furious. But hey, sometimes you need entertaining stupidity that you forget about afterward. On all those counts, Fast and Furious shamelessly delivers in a very rapid pace and a manner that denotes extreme anger. And that kiss is well worth the wait (“I just got put into third gear”).