American Idol War: Top Three

American Idol quote of the year!

"Have you or your family ever had malaria?"

"Good obviously the malaria nets are working." -- Carrie Underwood

Welcome to Idol War 2Snaps' gayer version of fantasy football, where three coaches compete in an American Idol competition by betting points on the contestants while evaluating their performances and offering advice.

For complete rules click here.

Idol War Standings:
Andrew “Mickey” Walsh - 780
The Colonel Gary G - 760
Tha Coach WIL Double - 440

Wil was eliminated from the Idol War competition with the loss of Allison Iraheta.

ANDREW "MICKEY" WASLH

Here we are crew, the final three! I am so proud of my Idol War team this year (unlike last year, SYESHA MERCADO). We vanquished tha Coach last week. He flamed out with a paltry 440 points. One down, one to go. Bring it on Colonel with your Gokey sap fest! I’ve got the gay and tween vote covered and I plan to take this thing all the way to the end.

Wildouble was wrong about something he said early on. He called Scott Macintyre the “Grinch” of the season, when the real Grinch is your number one man Danny Gokey; a man who insists on stealing as much airtime each week as he possibly can. In the American Idol season eight that is playing out in my head, Gokey is our villain, and much to my chagrin he is quite a formidable foe. His cynical strategy of choosing the most pandering, tear duct inducing song each week seems to have cast a spell upon America. Now that it has come down to the wire, and the soul of Idol is at stake, it is finally time for Mickey to dust off his phone, put on a pot of coffee, and fight to save his crew!

Round One: The Judges’ Pick

We’ll go in order. Kris Allen you have served this crew well, but last week I was more than willing to sacrifice you, if necessary, in order to keep my, and tha Coach’s, beloved Allison Iraheta in the competition. She certainly deserved a Top 3 slot, but unfortunately the Grinch destroyed her. This week, I want payback. Since there were only three of you left, the producers decided to make Randy and Kara one amorphous entity, which is exactly right since they are a blob of irrelevance and studied attempts in appearing “cool.” With that said, I was impressed with their song choice of “Apologize” by One Republic. It is, on paper, the perfect choice for you since I think we can all clearly see you recording that kind of music: melodic, soulful pop. The problem was that the song was too safe for you at this stage of the competition. You delivered a very nice vocal, and I loved the choice you made to play the piano, highlighting your musical versatility, but at the end of the day I have to agree with Kara when she said it was merely “competent.” At Top 10 through 5 this kind of thing is perfectly acceptable, but when you are this close to the finish line you really need to knock it out of the park, which is pretty impossible with a song with this little room to maneuver. Most of the blame here, as Simon said, has to fall with the judges who picked your song. They gave you a song with a pretty rigid structure that was already very down tempo and then criticized you for not doing much with it. What could you really do? A techno version? It almost adds more fuel to the fire of Idol conspiracy theorists.

Adam Lambert you, on the other hand, had the good fortune to have Simon as your judge/song picker(?). Although I do love “One” by U2, I have to say I was a little underwhelmed by this choice. Yes it’s a great song, and yes you were good on it, but I was really hoping for something way outside the box, like last year when he picked the Roberta Flack song for David Cook. I loved the first half with its “Mad World” style arrangement, but I wasn’t quite as in love with the second half’s banshee scream theatrics. I still think you are leagues above the rest, but I’m scared for you and I need you to blow me away. There is so much hype around you right now, what with the Entertainment Weekly cover and all, that I’m afraid America will burn out of you or forget to vote and then you’ll fall just short of your much deserved crown. I really might just quit this show if Danny Gokey wins.

Backstage, between rounds, I had a little pep talk with Kris.

Round 2: Contestant’s Choice

Kris you are my hero! Even if you go out this week, at least you went out with a fight! We needed you to knock it out of the park and you came through with a walk off homer in the bottom of the ninth! Way to fucking go kid!

First, you made a brilliant shirt choice with the low cut, clingy top you wore. Your secret weapon is your sex appeal, so work that shit!

Second, you made a brilliant song choice with Kanye West’s “Heartless.” Wow that was awesome! Not only your personal best, but one the of season’s best. Hallelujah everyone, Kris Allen is still in this for the win! It was truly an inspired choice to take an overproduced Kanye West hit and strip it down to a bare bones, acoustic ballad that really showcased the emotional content of the lyrics. Emotional connection is where you shine, my friend. You have an artist’s instincts.

See this is the stuff right here that makes Idol interesting: when people really, truly want to win the show. When a contestant has that fire to come out and be THE water-cooler moment of the night. I don’t care how good the other two were, you were the success of the night, and it couldn’t have come at a better time for you. The only downside is your sudden resurgence really puts Adam in jeopardy. Hopefully it will spell the end for Gokey, but that seems like a long shot.

Early in the season, Kara et al proclaimed their desire to find a package artist, which is why we were saddled with the likes of Megan Joy. The irony is that they have had one in front of them THE WHOLE TIME. You are incredibly attractive, talented, and extremely likeable. You have a distinct sound that is not only marketable but also very current. They have completely overlooked this all season long due to their incomprehensible Danny Gokey circle jerk. When I mentioned last week that Simon said we know very little about your personality what I failed to mention is that this is almost entirely the fault of the show. They edited your tape packages together in such a way that the only thing we ever got to know about you was that you had a wife. Danny’s “story” monopolized a good 70% of the early rounds, but you materialized on the Top 36 stage almost out of thin air. Isn’t the fact that you made it this far with no early heat and virtually no airtime a testament to the idea that you do in fact have star quality?

Well, I apologize for writing you off as Simon did. You proved with that performance why you have made it this far. If it wasn’t a laundry day and I was wearing underwear I would’ve thrown mine at the television. I think even Ryan wanted to fuck you after that. Now I have a dilemma. How many points should I put on you? If you go home, which still unfortunately seems likely, how many points can I risk losing and still maintain my lead? If Adam goes home and you stay, I will most certainly lose my lead as well as Idol War. If you both stay then we all win. My lead is only twenty points, so with that said, I have to take a risk and bet only twenty points on you. If you go home it will tie things up and I’ll still have a shot. Good luck my friend. Mickey’s proud of ya! 20 points

Oh damn, I still have to get to you Adam. Okay, I’ll make this quick. “Cryin’” by Aerosmith was a solid choice. It’s really strange you picked that song because for no apparent reason it has been stuck in my head all week. The bottom line is this: great as always, but you have been so consistent that I’m afraid it’s becoming predictable. I’m worried that the voters will become complacent and slack off in the votes department. Kris really stole the show, and Gokey has some form of crazy fan base that I don’t understand, so I think you needed something really special just to ensure your spot in the finale. With that said, Steven Tyler is a good role model for you because you both have that certain insane upper register to your voices. I need you to win this my big gay friend. I’m risking my entire dream of winning on you. Please don’t let me down. Come on America, make Mickey proud! 80 points

THE COLONEL GARY G

DANNY GOKEY

Ain't this a bitch. I am in shooting distance of taking another Idol War victory and I wasn't even trying. It's no secret that I have been a little checked out of this retarded season of Idol. Has their ever been an Idol as passionately hated as my lone team mate. Well, Katherine McPhee. At least she was pretty and had a truly amazing talent-as a singer. Too much bitchface attitude, but singing, she was no joke. You, Danny Gokey, are not pretty and your demeanor suggests a charismatic cult leader who really wants us to drink the Kool Aid. Why are you so close to winning?

The Colonel is supposed to be coaching you to victory for yourself and our team. But if my losing to Mickey means that, to paraphrase Mickey, we don't have to see that busted mug on the shows opening montage, than it's a sacrifice that I am willing to make.

I noticed something you said, Danny. After your performance of "You Are So Beautiful" you claimed that you wanted to "come out here with and not think about all the opinions". So you do realize that everyone hates you. You do know this. Good. But like any good charismatic cult leader you won't allow any criticism to shatter the wall of ego.

And what an obvious, crass, pandering choice of song. I guess you had to remind your "fans" why they love you in the first place, right? Crass sentimentality. Phoney, opportunistic sentimentality. Hmmm. I wonder who's love turned that boy into a man? Let's meditate on that.
I can't begin to imagine a Gokey victory but I am comforted by the fact that if the devil succeeds and you do win, you'll join Taylor Hicks on his "Forgotten Idol's" tour of Dave and Busters. 100 points

Tonight we announce the results and tomorrow the losing Idol War coach says good bye to his eliminated Idol and the points he bet on that Idol.