American Idol War YAY! Gokey is Gone

America. I believe in you once more. For a second year in a row, you handed the Idol producers their scripts back and told them to try again. You opposed the suffocating supremacy of pop culture mediocrity and sent the smug, charmless, package artist, known as Danny Gokey, to the Idol 3rd runner up dustbin where Nikki Mckibben, Kimberly Locke, Jasmine Trias, Vonzell Solomon and Syesha Mercado are all waiting with autographed copies of their new CDs.

Danny, what else is their to say. Now that your gone, and out of my face, I can enjoy the finale. But at least I finally understand your appeal courtesy of that adorable little girl. And I quote..

Unlike EW.com's Kristen Baldwin, I don't believe that you are a sign of the Antichrist. But I do believe that your calculated attempt to win Idol by callously capitalizing on a VERY personal tragedy is the worst type of middlebrow pandering. It's tasteless and wrong. "Tragedy and Triumph". Give me a break. And the willingness of the Idol machine, along with the collusion of Paula Abdul, Kara Diowhateverthefuck and that Grimace-looking brain trauma victim next to her, to gloss over your deficiencies and hype every wobbly note brought something truly ugly to the Idol stage. After every critique I felt as if I was being accosted by the guy on the subway who really wants to sell me a bootleg of "Wolverine"; sometimes you just wanna buy it so he'll get outta your face. But we're not buying it. Not ANYMORE!

And Paula, you have no one to blame but yourself. Save those vicodin tears for someone who fucking cares. Telling two contestants that they were a lock for the finals, on the first fucking show of the year, was in extremely bad taste. It was so tasty watching you and Kara lose your fucking minds. That bewildered "oh my God" on Kara's face will swim through my dreams tonight. Can we please just wipe that entire judges table away? Simon, I don't trust you anymore. Your critical game playing is becoming obvious and detrimental to the integrity of the show. Paula, you need a fucking man. Maybe then you'll stop trying to push your yearly crush through to the finals based on nothing but the throbbing of your dried up genitals. Randy, please get a CAT scan. I'm serious. Your inability to form a coherent thought that is relative to the actual performances suggest either a large tumor and/or brain shrinkage. And Kara...

Here is some advice for you Kara. When Simon Fuller comes to you, next year, with the script that you are to follow, including which singers get unchecked praise and which to damn with faint praise, I want you to throw it back in Simon's face. Tell him, "I'm am Artist! I have Artistry! And I can make up my own damn mind, Thank you." Or can you? That's the question. Honestly, you strike me as another, to use a term coined by Wil, "stupid white girl" who wants so badly to seem hip and cool and smarter and more "artistic' than everyone else in the room. But are you? Everyone was so excited by the prospect that an artist, who was relevant to the current recording industry, would bring some sorely needed pertinent, perceptive, non vodka infused, criticism to the judges table. Your only contribution has been to interpret the fart clouds coming out of Randy Jackson. We needed a judge that, as Mickey asserted, could see that Kris Allen WAS the package artist you wanted. Instead you stuck to the script that said Kris was "the cute boy' of the season and could only go so far. Shame. Kris has the last laugh, now. You see, this is why people detest you Kara. Besides your endless stream of entertaining brain farts such as, "the guy from Saturday Night Live" and "it's like Studio 57 in here," you let us all down. And isn't gibberish Paula's terrain. Step it up or go away!

On another note, I couldn't help but feel a sadness as I watched Jordin Sparks try mightily to tear it up on the song "Battlefield". I could just hear Melinda Doolittle in my mind laying that song down with the fierce, natural stage presence that was her strength. Finally, the voters who refused to vote for one of Idol's best talents are feeling the crushing blow of defeat that I, and other members of Melinda's Backups, have endured for three long years. How does it feel? Huh. Yeah absorb the pain, baby.

And can we all just agree that Kris' family was so adorable. Because my father was totally undemonstrative, I always lose it when a father and son can freely express love for one another. This is where Kris' uncomplicated confidence comes from. He's well loved by those around him so he doesn't crumble under the misguided opinions of others. I think I want to be Kris Allen. But seriously, this fucking kid, just like David Cook, came into competition with zero hype and worked his ass off to wade through the judges indifference and audience apathy. His version of "Heartless" put everyone else on that stage to shame and no one deserves a spot in the finals more than he does. Adam, you may want to bring out the big guns next week.

Congratulations, Mickey and welcome to the winners circle. Last year I was just lucky, in that I wound up with both Davids on my team. But this year you picked a perfect IDOL WAR TEAM and the victory is all yours. Why the fuck did I think Anoop could win this shit? Enjoy your moment Mickey. Next year, THERE WILL BE BLOOD.

The Colonel is out for this season of IDOL WAR.

-- The COLONEL GARY G

Idol War Standings:
WINNER: Andrew “Mickey” Walsh - 880
The Colonel Gary G - 660
Tha Coach WIL Double - 440

This is part of Idol War our gayer version of fantasy football. Three coaches compete in an American Idol competition by betting points on the contestants while evaluating their performances and offering advice. Gary is eliminated with the loss of Gokey making Andrew “Mickey” Walsh the 2009 Idol War champ!