Movie Review: Angels & Demons

With Tom Hanks’ hair shorn and less initial controversy than The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons is an improvement over its predecessor in almost every way. You probably remember the brouhaha over the movie better than the movie itself.

I actually liked The Da Vinci Code and thought it decent mindless entertainment that’s forgettable enough as soon as the credits roll. Its biggest weakness was all that logy religio-gobbledygook exposition that made the movie feel longer than it was. Weren’t there parts in that movie that you walk out of, make yourself some Hot Pockets, and then come back and nothing has really happened to move the story forward? Reading the novel The Da Vinci Code felt shorter than watching the movie. If I wanted to hear people drone on about fairy tales then I’d turn on Sunday morning religious programming, mute when I wanted to, maybe make a sizeable donation on my credit card, just to make sure my children are being molested in the best possible surroundings (parents of children over 10, don’t worry, because once they reach double-digits, they’re considered “too old”- modeling can be such a tough profession).

That said, if you hated The Da Vinci Code, you’ll probably hate this too or won’t even consider watching it. But if you liked it...then you’ll like Angels & Demons more...

Don’t take my word for it, take God’s...

GOD: I really enjoyed this movie, much more than The Da Vinci Code. I would have wanted to see a lot more nudity though...But I’ve always been a Tom Hanks fan, ever since he was born. Still, Star Trek’s better, because that Green girl is bangin’. Did you see that Green Girl, Rachel Nichols in P2, that horror movie in that parking garage, I was hoping that somehow her tits would pop out of her dress when she was running---

------Okay, thanks God for staying on message, but I have a review to do...and I’ll probably have to watch P2 again later. By the way you really do sound like Morgan Freeman.

GOD: I know, and my son looks and sounds like Samuel L. Jackson

Angels & Demons opens with the current Pope dead. A new one needs to be elected, but for the moment the power is temporarily held by Camerlengo Pat (Ewan MacGregor). A bunch of Cardinals and other higher ups are rounded up so they can decide who gets to be the Commandant of The Catholic Church. It involves locking up the pointy-heads in rooms, taking away their crayons, citrus flavored condoms, copies of Highlight magazine and in essence, writing down names of who they want to win until there’s a consensus. Sounds pretty straightforward.

GOD: Back in the day we’d just have the Cardinals fight it out, but there’s nothing sadder to behold or takes longer to watch than a bunch of old guys trying to fight. After 15 minutes they all just get winded or begin reaching for their inhalers or begin strangling each other with their catheter tubes. The Ben-gay and pureed fruit scent just permeates the room because you forgot to open at least one window. And once it gets past 5:30 they just all want to get to sleep

Meanwhile, back at a Swiss Atom Ranch, science-y scientists are testing something called Antimatter, and it seems they can develop enough of it to fill a small canister.

The Good News: It’s never happened before in the History of the World (part 1).

The Other Good News: Within that canister is enough explosive power to destroy a small state.

The Bad News: Someone has just stolen it and killed its head researcher (in a manner gaffled from, of all things, Demolition Man).

Good news immediately following the Bad News: The guy that was killed was not as hot looking as the research partner that survived him, the beautiful Dr. Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zor), so at least Tom Hanks’ character will have someone to chastely flirt with while they’re running for their lives.

GOD: Dr. Vetra is such a P.H.D-ilf

While watching what went wrong with The Ladykillers, symbologist Dr. Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks), is summoned to the Vatican because 4 Cardinals, the ones mostly likely to be elected Pope, have been kidnapped, and a sigil from the past has come back to haunt the Church: The Illuminati. Dr. Langdon wrote a book about the Illuminati that no one read, so he’s the best of what’s left despite the Church having a problem with him after The Da Vinci Code.

Way back when, the Illuminati professed the virtues of science. The Catholic Church got all huffy and had them all killed in something called La Purga. This forced the remaining Illuminati to go into hiding, turning into a secret society, with their own handshake and everything, vowing revenge in the worst possible way.

GOD: I did NOT authorize that. That’s just fucked-up. Jesus, did you authorize that shit?

JESUS: Fuck NO, motherfucker!!! That is some fucked-up repugnant shit. Motherfucker do that shit to me, I killa motherfucka you know what I’m saying

Yes, Jesus, the Illuminati seem to feel the same way. They’re back...and they’re pissed. They’ve taken the Antimatter bomb and placed it somewhere in Vatican City, where it’ll go off at around midnight. They’ve also taken the Cardinals and are planning to sacrifice them in a manner resembling the 4 Elements- Earth, Fire, Ringo, and Paul- each hour before midnight. They apparently called Jigsaw to try and think up new and fun ways to torture, but unlike the most recent Saw movies, Angels and Demons won’t bore you to tears or make you laugh at the end at how stupid it is.

So with 6 hours to go until midnight, it’s up to Dr. Langdon and Dr. Vetra to run around Rome and try to defuse the Antimatter bomb, while trying to find the kidnapped Cardinals. There’s also that little matter of electing Pope, but fortunately the phone lines for that one close around 11, so you’ll have plenty of time to see your vote tallied before they blow up. Adam Lambert still has a shot.

What works with Angels and Demons-

1) Good to see director Ron Howard learned from his mistakes in The Da Vinci Code. Instead of static 2-shots of boring explanation, he actually has Hanks and Ayelet Zor RUN AROUND while doing the expository scenes, so at least they have the illusion of going somewhere. You’re not always sure what the hell they should be looking for unless you’re an expert on Roman history, but you get that Hanks does.

2) If you think about it, Angels and Demons is a slightly more serious version of the National Treasure movies...or even Goonies. I like how in movies when characters can look at a picture, or a page in a book, or a map and then somehow turn it into a clue which inevitably leads to another chase scene. In Angels and Demons you get that. A lot (“Nilbog is Goblin....BACKWARDS”). Too bad there’s no Sloth though. I miss that big mongoloid.

3) That fat-ass keychain.

4) If you can’t afford a trip to Rome, watch this movie. You’ll see a lot of it, even some of it that doesn’t really exist.

5) Characters getting burned is fun to watch on screen. So nice, you’ll see it twice.

6) Unlike Code, there are actual moments of tension in Angels and Demons, my favorite being the Archive scene that’s bathed in red emergency light. You know it’s ridiculous as you’re watching it...but that still doesn’t keep your palms from sweating.

7) Minor Spoiler: Though you see the red, green, and blue wires on the bomb, they’re gratefully not used. I person a couple of rows in front of me yelled out “Cut the red wire”. I was thinking something along those lines, and I’ll bet you were too. The dénouement to that particular problem is rather thrilling...in its rather cornball, implausible way .

JESUS: I’ve HAD IT, with these motherfucking Bombs, on this motherfucking Square!!!

What doesn’t work-

1) I didn’t think it was possible, but the female lead in Angels has even less to do that Audrey Tatou did in Da Vinci. All Ayelet Zor does is nod, look worried, and try to stay a step in back of Hanks at all times. And she doesn’t even get to be descended from Christ like Tatou did...

JESUS: I knew she looked familiar...being Jesus gets me so much ass. I’m like “I’m Jesus, let’s fuck”...

2) Veteran character Actor Stellan Skaargard (Pirate of the Caribbean 2 and 3, Mamma Mia!, Good Will Hunting) shows up as a head security guy and is so officious and rude to Langdon (“Oh good...the Symboligist has arrived”) that you know he should have just been named “Red Herring”. He’s pretty much the Jean Reno character in Da Vinci Code, but not French.

3) Not that you’d expect actual character development in the Dan Brown novels these movies are based on as the characters are as thin as the pages you read them from, but one of the things The Da Vinci Code got right was Ian McKellen’s flinty turn as the bad guy. He’s the only character in that movie that seemed like they were having any fun.

As you watch Angels there’s no supporting character that makes ANY kind of lasting impression (like Paul Bettany’s albino monk killer) as almost every one of them reminds you of a character from the previous movie...except less interesting.

GOD: Yeah, and why was the only black guy in the movie killed gruesomely?

4) A rather convenient camera placed where everyone can hear and see...everything that needs to be heard and seen to finish the movie. You’ve seen a lot in this movie that defies believability, but that’s okay, it what we go to the movies for during the summer. But you are less than forgiving when something happens that’s less than plausible. It wouldn’t be so bad if so much didn’t hinge on it.

Overall. Angels and Demons is an enjoyable sequel to The Da Vinci Code, an efficiently crafted thriller for those of you who’ve had your fill of <>Star Trek. Watch it. Be Entertained. Go home. Forget about the movie. Read a book. But don’t take my word for it...Take God’s...

GOD: Watch Angels and Demons or I’ll have you killed. But don’t take my word for it, take Satan’s...

SATAN: For the first time since God and I both fell asleep during Synecdoche, New York, we agree on something. I found myself munching my extra-buttered popcorn while watching this, though it could have used a lot more demons. And with this movie Ron Howard has narrowly avoided hell, a path he’s been on since he made that Grinch movie and The Missing. And if you don’t God’ll kill you.

-Satan and God POUND fists and roll out

-Noel begins to pound nails into Jesus’ hands while watching P2. Don’t worry, he’s into that kinda shit. You’ve seen Passion of the Christ...