G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra (2009) Movie Review

As the final big-budget release of Summer 2009, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra opens this weekend, one can be glad that Summer of ’09 wasn’t...Summer of ’08, ‘cause Dark Knight/Iron Man/Tropic Pineapple Thunder Express notwithstanding, why would you want to relive THAT again?

And, as far as unofficial Summer blockbuster finales go, Rise of Cobra is a very good one. Summer junk food at its inconsequential mindless best. It’s a more entertaining diversion than that half-baked Terminator, despite having Channing Tatum as one of its leads. That alone is praiseworthy as I hope appearing in Joe and its subsequent sequels will wash the reek of those Step Up movies off Tatum’s career. He seems like a nice enough...joe so he deserves a second shot. Now if he could only learn to act.

Along with Tatum, another beneficiary of the probable box-office success of G. I. Joe is Mummy and Joe director Stephen Sommers, whose last movie was the wearisome 2004 dud Van Helsing. ‘Nuff said, as Hugh Jackman can thank his back-to-back titan failures of Deception and Australia to knock Helsing off his personal worst of all time list.

Nothing like an actual good movie to help everyone’s career. I’m glad that even tabloid mainstay Sienna Miller looks like she’s having a good time, even though she kinda knocked the movie in the press, but it’s better than a handful of summers ago when all we saw concerning her was not that she was in movie, but that Jude Law was in her. This makes G. I. Rise of Cobra the Mother Theresa of Summer movies spreading goodwill and erasing, for 2 hours at least, bad careers choices in the past.

Not that ANYONE sees G. I. Joe for the plot, and thank goodness for that because the plot’s thin enough to be one of Sienna Miller’s outfits. Again, thank goodness for that, the outfits...and the (lack of) plot .

A slim, shady, arms dealer/defense contractor James McMullen (Christopher Eccleston gleefully cashing in his paycheck part) has some new warheads developed using NATO money. They have nanotechnology (probably the biggest word in the entire movie), which in movie terms means they eat whatever they hit like CGI bugs. The Brother McMullen needs them transported safely somewhere.

Part of the transport team includes Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans). You don’t need to know any other member of the rather large and conspicuous transport group because they will all be dead soon.

They are attacked by a group of stronger-than-average soldiers, superior in weapons and technology in every way and are probably distracted by the fact that it’s led by Sienna Miller (now called the Baroness rather than her pedestrian name Ana) along with a ninja in a white outfit by the name of Storm Shadow (Byung-Hun Lee). You’d think wearing something white would make him an easier target, but you’d be wrong as these transport soldiers can’t aim for shit. The bad guys are after the Warheads, but Duke recognizes the Baroness.

“Anna,” Duke says with as much emotional conviction as he would say “My laces are untied”, and luckily the gunfire dies down so these two can have a quiet moment together. Yup, it’s Anna all right, and you wonder how these two know each other. Don’t worry, you’ll get your own special flashback to interrupt the movie expositing just that.

Duke and Rip are saved by out of the blue by another A-Team and manage to save the warheads as well. They all have “Hello My name Is” nametags on their uniforms so they can introduce themselves, and this is thankfully what passes for character development.

With a cheerleader squad behind them making the letters of their names as they introduce themselves-

Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbage)- I’m not sure what he does, but he seems to be the one that drives everyone around to the missions. I’ll try to ignore the fact that he’s the black guy with the British accent. If he doesn’t seem to mind that he’s the minority driver, then I certainly don’t.

Breaker (Said Taghmaoui- he just needed an ‘e’ to get all the vowels)- I think he does computers and shit, like Penny from Inspector Gadget. I remember this actor primarily as the guy that tortures Mark Wahlberg in Three Kings. Apparently back in 1999, he somehow presaged that Wahlberg would make The Happening and Max Payne in one year and was merely future-granting audience wishes. We thank you Said.

Scarlett (Rachel Nichols, the green bitch from Star Trek)- While you’re staring down her dress, she beats the shit out of you. She also has a jacket that makes her invisible. Don’t ask...

Snake Eyes (Ray Park)- He’s a ninja and has no lines of dialogue. He doesn’t need them as he knows how to talk with his sword, but oddly enough he draws no blood like those pussy Twilight vampires. This is PG-13 after all.

These mystery men and lady take Duke and Rip back to the clubhouse (called the Pit) and they are better known as the super elite task force G.I. Joe, led by General Hawk (Dennis Quaid, looking more dour than usual as his beret must be too tight or it could be because he actually has to say the line “Knowing is half the battle”).

The President (Jonathan Pryce) has now officially made G.I. Joe the guardians of the missiles as the stars of Step Up and White Chicks just can’t quite cut it in the real world based on a popular toy line.

Duke and Rip want to be a part of GI Joe. General Hawk remembers trying to recruit Duke years ago. In a flashback that interrupts the movie, we will know why that didn’t pan out.
They’re just going to have to audition now.

In a well-paced musical training montage (with guest DJ Brendan Fraser), Duke and Rip get the parts and they’re now part of the G. I. Joe-keteers. Hot Dog!

This is good because their super-secret base will be discovered and attacked in a matter of moments as the bad guys really, really want those warheads back.

What works with G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra-

1) The Assault on the Pit is the best set piece of the movie, and while you’re watching it you can’t help but think that if Michael Bay were directing it, the sequence would be 30 minutes longer with about a dozen slo-mo shots. I’m no Bay hater, but I am thankful for the extra time I get to spend with my family. Plus, it’s complete with ninja fighting (one’s dressed in black and one’s dressed in white for E-Z identification) and girl-girl action.

2) As the arms dealer who will become the silver domed Destro, Christopher Eccleston chews enough scenery for 2 movies with a Scottish accent borrowed from Sean Connery’s earlier movies, which is good because as the villain, he’s having to shoulder the load as he gets no help from any of the other bad guys, especially...

3) Director Stephen Sommers sure rewards his Mummy friends as Mummy alumni Brendan Fraser, the Mummy himself Arnold Vosloo (as the deceptive General Vartan) and There Will Be Blood’s Kevin J. O’ Connor (as Dr. Mindbender) all show up for the free food.

4) (Spoiler)- An intriguing setup for a sequel involving made over member of the Oval Office.

5) Snake Eyes Vs. Storm Shadow climax- Why? Because everyone likes it when ninjas fight. And you get to hear Snake Eyes speak for the first time (“Bye, Billy...”). Never mind, that was Gizmo speaking for the first time.

What doesn’t work-

1) The biggest disappointment of the movie is the great actor Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s (Stop-Loss, The Lookout) toothless Cobra Commander. He was so good in (500) Days of Summer (it’s a toss up between this and Hurt Locker as my favorite movies of the summer), so it’s proportionately shocking that he’s so lackluster in what could/should have been a scene-stealer. It may be the gravel voice that just sounds phlegm-y as I remember Cobra Commander having a Starscream-ish rasp. Or it could be that Cobra Commander looks like a cross between Dr. Evil and...Keanu Reeves, which elicits piteous laughter more than anything else. Let’s hope he improves in the sequels and chalk this up to a great actor just miscast.

2) A major character has an inexplicable change of heart in a very peculiar part of the movie.

3) Those Accelerator suits are as atrocious as I thought they were going to be, but fortunately they’re not in the movie for very long.

4) I noticed myself looking at my watch or someone else’s phone as soon as those awkward flashbacks came on. Yeah, they were technically necessary, but they weren’t interesting enough in themselves to stop the story flow.

Overall. I’m sure this will get better reviews than Transformers 2, as it will be deemed more “Fun”...and it’s about an hour shorter. For a amusing and forgettable distraction this late in the summer and you don’t want to see Harry Potter again, go see GI Joe before you send the kids back to school. See it for the action, stay for the cleavage and find out that fucking people up may just be the other half of the battle.