Movie Review: The Stepfather (2009)

Yes, the ill-advised horror remake (written as if there exist horror remakes that aren’t ill-advised) of The Stepfather is as tedious as you might have guessed, judging by the ads and trailers that make it look as bland as...Dylan Walsh. It’s one of those movies where the trailer preceding it tells the ENTIRE story, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because pretty much anybody with an IQ higher than their golf score could tell what happens in this movie from moment to moment...

And yes, the PG-13 Miley Cyrus rating doesn’t do The Stepfather any favors as there’s not an ounce of gore or flash of nudity to keep from realizing how bored you and your fellow audience members are as the lights emanating from people looking at their phones to see how much more they have to endure may be the most suspense generated while the movie plays.

Unless of course you’re wondering about another of this weekend’s new releases, Law Abiding Citizen and if its star Gerard Butler opens in yet another bomb this year (an AP wire report states that many of this nation’s homeless refused shelter and popcorn because it meant they would have to huddle in an auditorium playing The Ugly Truth or Gamer) if he legally has to change his last name to Statham.

The answer is yes. If/when Law Abiding Citizen bombs Butler’s SAG card will read Gerard Jason Statham and will be forced to star in Crankporter 6: Ralph Macchio is Waiting.

Grady Seasons (Dylan Walsh, from Nip/Tuck and of course...Congo- Dude, there’s a reason Laura Linney won’t return your phone calls so quit bugging her as it’s bordering on harassment, but I think Tim Curry is going to the opening of the newest Staples on Wilshire so you can pester him there) is suffering from the Christmas blues, so he does what I’m sure we all wish we could do during the holidays and kills his entire family.

He then shaves his beard, and tries to think of a better name than Grady Seasons. Even if it does go well with his new line of Spices and Herbs, Grady’s Seasoning, with the new Butchered Family flavor.

The police are baffled because the family is murdered and somehow the Stepfather has disappeared without a trace. Of course, the police are morons and will neatly put this case under in their Too Hard to Solve file and move on to other, more fun family murders. It probably won’t happen again they reason, and if it does they hope it doesn’t happen in their town, because murdered families are such a downer during the Holiday rush...

...Or Will it?

We’re in sunny, tropical Portland Oregon, where this lovely city, per capita, has more strip bars than any other city in this country. Which would explain why damn near everything is paid in sticky one-dollar bills and handjobs are a legal form of currency.

It’s a nondescript little grocery store and there’s a nondescript murderer, I mean, ordinary guy named David Harris (Dylan Walsh, reprising his role from 5 minutes earlier in the movie). He looks a lot like that shifty Grady Seasons character from 5 minutes earlier in the movie except...his beard is shaved off.

Couldn’t be the same guy, he’s just too ordinary and clean-shaven looking to be someone that preys on widowed or recently-divorced women, ingratiates himself into their families, and then murders them when they “disappoint” him in some way? Only someone with a beard and glasses would do such a thing...

David has a meet-cute with a recently divorced Milf of 3 Susan Harding (Sela Ward, locking down the trusting wife role she played in The Guardian and The Fugitive) and they seem to have a connection involving peanut butter.

Susan tells her sob story about how she just got divorced.

David tells his fake story about how he lost his wife and daughter in a car accident about a year ago. He was so distraught he had to shave his beard and get contacts.

Susan feels David is non-threatening and invites him over for a bite to eat.

There’s a title card that reads ‘6 MONTHS LATER’.

We learn that David and Susan are now engaged. Susan sure is easy when she’s in cougar mode.

Everyone in the family approves of David because he seems to be so very good for Susan. He’s willing to take out the garbage late at night...in large bags...shaped like bodies...that sometimes move...and have sounds coming from them that seem similar to screams. But that’s okay, because David is still better than Susan’s Ex, a non-homicidal killer named Jay (Jon Tenney).

Susan’s sister Jackie (Paige Turco, April from those live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies from the 90’s) is willing to give him a job working in real estate. Jackie’s superfluous lesbian lover Leah (Sherry Stringfield, Dr. Lewis from ER when it was good) nods her assent.

Susan’s unnecessary son Sean (Breaden Lemasters) likes David because he ruffles his hair like a real dad would.

Susan’s daughter Beth (Skyler Samuels) likes David because he teaches her how to use a tampon and even does the first one himself.

And Susan’s son Michael (Penn Badgely) is coming home from military school. He was sent there because he’s a problem child. Since this movie’s PG-13 Mike didn’t do anything like rape a nun or sell fake Michael Jackson tribute magazines made from cut-and-pasted pictures of the 5,384 other Michael Jackson tribute magazines (what gave it away was that a picture of Patrick Swazye got unglued and fell on the floor, otherwise Mike H. would have raked it in). From what we know, all Mike did to get sent to military school was fight with his mom. Susan apparently has a short fuse for that sort of thing but is willing to shack up and get engaged to any killer who asks her where the peanut butter is.

At his coming-home party David asks Michael to come down to the basement with him. Is it EVER a good idea to go down to the basement with your future stepdad? Michael thinks so and shares a drink, because now that Mike is back, the family is finally together. Not like Theme-from-Deliverance together, but united because it’s easier to kill everyone when they’re all consolidated like that.

So everything is going great, right? And nothing bad will happen...

Or will it?

Yes.

It does.

Something bad.

Does happen.

A nosy old cat lady Mrs. Cutter (Mrs. Charles) sees something on America’s Most Wanted and tells Susan that some bearded Stepfather murdered his entire family and somehow escaped. Cat Lady also says that the Stepfather Guy, someone named Brady Reasons, looks a lot like David.

Susan doesn’t believe her, tells her to fuck off because her new AARP card is in the mail and Matlock’s on in 5 minutes.

Susan recounts this to David. David laughs sheepishly and says something like “Grady Seasons...that sounds like an alias I’d use...if I were into killing entire families.”

David then proceeds to kill Mrs. Cutter because he hadn’t killed anybody in months and if you don’t practice that sort of thing you do tend to get kinda rusty.

Mike begins to suspect that there’s something odd about David, but of course no one believes him...because he went to military school.

Mike finds out-
1) David doesn’t like to be photographed, except in a leather mask that he has in the basement.
2) David always pays in cash. He somehow has $5’s and $10’s so you KNOW he’s not local
3) He does weird things with sharpened pencils.
4) David’s favorite movies: Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, Natural Born Killers, Snow Angels, My Stepfather is a Murderer, and Mona Lisa Smile.
5) David seems to have no previous work history or valid driver’s license.
6) When Mike asks what David used to do for a living, David answers “Drive trucks and kill wives and children”.

Still, it’s not enough proof to arouse even a whisper of suspicion because David still seems like the perfect Stepdad, even if he wears his “I murdered my previous Family” sweatshirt when it’s like, 90 degrees outside in the sultry Oregon weather

Will the rest of the Harding family finally catch a clue or will more Harding family members die?

The answer is yes...and yes. I’d call them spoilers, but Helen Keller and those Indian kids from who got their eyes boiled in oil could see every frame of this movie coming from light-years away.