Movie Review: 2012

2012, a summer movie plunked down in the middle of November is the prefect antidote to all the Christmas ghosts, Men-goat relations, and Michael Jackson documentaries. You want a movie you can have a good time at while the world gets destroyed...This Is It. Yes, 2012 is completely empty spectacle, but it’s spectacle nonetheless. Plus, you don’t have to worry about whether or not characters you love will die or live since you don’t give a whit about the characters anyway.

As the ads have been hammering you with, 2012 was written/directed by that purveyor of onscreen destruction, Roland Emmerich, who makes blowing shit up a way of life with the entertainingly stupid Independence Day and the just plain stupid The Day After Tomorrow (ask Jake Gyllenhaal anything about this movie and watch his face wince with embarrassment). The less said about Godzilla the better. Last year Emmerich released the laughably dull Razzie nominated 10,000 BC and thankfully, 2012 is a massive step up. While a lot of 2012 is laughable, it is rarely dull because if you’re not being wowed by the special effects, you’re smirking at the hokey “human” interaction.

If only real destruction were this diverting.

2012 begins sometime in 2009. A doctor of something scienceish Adrian Helmsley (great character actor Chiwetel Ejiofor, nicely cashing in) visits another doctor friend in India. After about 5 minutes of Sciency gobbledygook exposition (filled with graphics and LED numbers that change rapidly) that I really wasn’t paying attention to because none of us in the theater were going to be tested on it, we learn that the Earth’s crust is destabilizing. That’s Bad as this Armageddon will have a Deep Impact on humanity.

20 hours later Dr. Helmsley flies to a fundraiser to show the sciency results to someone that matters. In this case it’s Carl Anhauser (Oliver Platt, in full government blowhard mode). Helmsley shows him a folder filled with numbers and graphics that coincide with an Earth-is-fucked scenario. Anhuaser stops eating and takes Helmsley to meet the President. And you know when an Oliver Platt character stops eating, things are really, really, bad.

President Thomas Wilson (Danny Glover) is deeply perturbed. He will be forever known as the President in Office when the United States was destroyed, which could hinder his chances for a reelection. He’s getting’ too old for this shit.

By the way, actor Danny Glover is black, meaning we have a black onscreen president. This is our “socially relevant” portion of the movie. If McCain won the last election the president would have been played by Hume Cronyn, Peter O’ Toole, or Wilford Brimley.

I’m trying not to remember that Morgan Freeman was cast as the President in Deep Impact, as there may be some kind of racist social commentary as black movie presidents just happen to be in office when the world ends. We shall try not to think anything of it unless they cast Richard Roundtree as President Shaft in Shaft Stands behind Some White Secret Service Guys as The World Ends because of a Superflood but he’s Still A Bad Mutha- Shut Yo Mouth...Shaft!!! (in theaters sometime in 2013).

President Wilson addresses all the other leaders of the world on a Super Secret Party line, conveying the We’re-All-Going-To-Die scenario, and what they can do about it. Its worldwide Secret Project name is Operation Happyfun, which I think is meant to convey irony as Operation Strawgrasp doesn’t just relay confidence.

We forward to 2010 and something big is underway. Something expensive. The Chinese Government calls it a Dam, but we know it’s something else. Random rich private citizens are paying billions of Euros just to be part of this “dam”. There’s a sudden influx of Oompa Loompas, so something labor intensive is going down. But it probably has nothing to do with the world ending in about 2 years...or maybe it does.

We forward, yet again, to 2012. It’s so far into the future that we have flying cars and robot maids.

Jackson Curtis (John Cusack, an actor who really should know better but at least it’s not Martian Child), is late picking up his kids to go camping. Jackson is a published but unsuccessful novelist who drives limos just to make ends meet. He’s estranged from his wife Kate (Amanda Peet) because he was so focused on his writing that he neglected his family. Not that it matters now because the world is about to end...

His son is named Noah (Liam James). How much does Noah hate his dad? He calls his dad by his first name, that’s how much. Wonder if by the end of the movie Noah will be screaming DADDEE!!! at the top of lungs...
His daughter is named Lilly. Her main character trait is that she pisses herself. It’s mentioned more often than you’d expect in a movie like this so you begin to wonder...is Lilly’s urine to blame for the world ending?

Kate has a new boyfriend, a plastic surgeon named Gordon (Tom McCarthy). You may now paint a Fat red target on Gordon’s back and take money from his wallet. He’s probably not going to need it for much longer.

Jackson and the kids camp and they trespass onto government property. The lake Jackson used to go to is now dried up. That’s odd.

Soldiers round up the Curtis kids and Jackson and are about to use them for target practice but are stopped because Dr. Helmsley just HAPPENS to be there studying the lake, and just HAPPENS to have read Jackson’s book and just HAPPENS to like it. Wonder if this somehow pays off at or near the end of the movie...

Jackson and his kids find a new, less dangerous place to camp. While the kids are having a shitty time Jackson just HAPPENS to tune into a pirate radio broadcast by a nut claiming that the world is going to end and that the government knows about it. The nut is Charlie Frost and is played by Woody Harrelson, so he’s probably right as the world will be overrun by zombies.

Meanwhile, Gordon is trying to get Kate pregnant in a supermarket (don’t ask) when the ground starts to quake and split. They manage to escape with their lives, but the kids’ camping trip is cut short.

Jackson drops the kids off and goes back to his day job driving limos for rich fat people. This rich fat person is a Russian businessman who just HAPPENS to be one of the people who paid through the nose to be part of the China Dam project. Jackson learns through one of Russian guy’s bratty kids that they’re going to China.

Hey, that Charlie Frost guy mentioned something about a map that could lead to safety. Wonder to what land of a Billion people the map could possibly lead?

Jackson races back to LA to warn his family about impending doom. Turns out he’s just in time because the West Coast is about to get fucked up. Thanks to some impressive Special Effects driving Jackson manages to keep his family from eaten up by asphalt as LA gets turned inside out.

But how the heck are they going to get to China in time? Holy Implausibility, it turns out that Gordon just HAPPENS to be a novice pilot, so that’s solved. Gordon’s so novice that he dodges flying debris like he was Luke Skywalker

But as the world begins to end, so many questions remain...

Will Jackson and his family, through this terrible ordeal, somehow find the strength to work together despite the odds of All of them getting out of this alive? And will Jackson and Kate rekindle their love for one another in a tired plot thread not at all reminiscent of Jeff Goldblum and Margaret Colin’s relationship in Independence Day or Dennis Quaid and Sela Ward’s relationship in Day After Tomorrow?

If so, where does that leave DeadGuy, I meant Gordon in this new family equation?

And what’s in China, and why are rich people and government Higher-ups so hot to go there as the world is crumbling before them? Is MSG the answer?

What works with 2012-

1) The Special Effects- it’s about the only thing that really works about this movie, and honestly, that’s all you need as that alone makes this movie worth the price of admission despite the other stupidity. It’s difficult not to get caught up in the FX destruction, as it’s spectacular and you can tell more money was spent on it than developing anything resembling character. That’s more than acceptable because it’s what we paid our money to see. It’s fun to see all those extras (CGI and otherwise) get killed because we have no emotional attachment to anyone in the movie.

What doesn’t work-

1) Tom McCarthy AKA Deadguy AKA Gordon the Extraneous boyfriend gets the worst line in a movie filled with bad lines- “There’s something pulling us apart”. Good thing the movie’s so loud that you can’t hear the person next to you groan.

2) To call any of these characters one dimensional is to attribute 4/5ths of a dimension they don’t deserve. It’s a weakness but not necessarily a complaint as it’s refreshing to see Thandie Newton, Oliver Platt and Amanda Peet try to do their best blue and green screen acting trying to breathe life into cardboard cutouts.

3) More proof that you don’t need to take this movie seriously- the “Governor Schwarzenegger” character. More than a few of my fellow Californians in the audience were giggling throughout this part...at a time during the movie where you really shouldn’t be laughing.

4) Sure, the world is coming to an end, but there’s always time for a little speechifying. Chiwetel Ejiofor gets to chew(etel) some scenery with some bad dialogue beginning with that line you’ve seen in the trailers “Don’t people have the right to fight for their way of life?” It’s not an exact quote because I was too busy rolling my eyes. More importantly, it was the Beastie Boys that said We have to fight for the right to Party.

5) That goddamn dog- Why o Why do movies like this need to put a dog in fake jeopardy, because everyone knows little Rover or Fido ain’t fucking dying in a PG-13 disaster movie, even though that would be cooler because at least there would be some surprise. Next disaster movie, Spot goes Splat

Overall. 2012 is CGI disaster porn that’s all empty calories and leaves no aftertaste. An inconsequential good time at the movies during a season were everything is so “heavy”. It’s the best time you could possibly have seeing the world end before you and may be the perfect setup for next week’s vampire comedy New Moon. And if you just can’t wait for Avatar, 2012 will hold you over until December.