An Open Letter Inspired By Heather Locklear's Melrose Place Return

Dear Melrose Place Powers that Be,

In the '90s, Melrose Place was an obsession for me. I eagerly devoured every episode all the way to the bitter end. I toughed out the early episodes that featured snooze worthy lesson of the week stories, Sandy the actress, Rhonda the "cardio-funk" teacher, and a host of other forgettable moments. And like most of the world, I fell in love with Heather Locklear's bitch goddess Amanda Woodward. She was like a bolt of lighting injected into a fading corpse.

Speaking of corpses, Sydney Andrews was my other favorite character, perhaps my true favorite, so it was with much delight that I revisited the infamous apartment complex when it reopened its gates back in September. From that moment until now, there have only been two episodes that gave me hope for the series: the pilot, and last night's Locklear return.

That's not to say that I thought the much-hyped return of Amanda episode was perfect or even entertaining all the way through, but it is no coincidence that the episodes featuring these two prime-time soap vets were the ones which had the most promise. Part of this is due to the respective actresses' prowess at delivering snarky, mean, and downright bitchy dialogue. On the other hand, the characters of Sydney and Amanda represent everything the show is currently lacking, namely, a great villain. Sure, I Iove Ella, but that love is fading. She's too soft. One minute she's Amanda-esque, and the next she's giving us reheated Allison moral dilemma left-overs. If she's going to go toe to toe with Ms. Woodward, then we need to see her really step it up! Someone better get pushed into the damn pool!

Where's the greed? Where's the sex? Where in the hell is the crazy? Will someone please give me a couture clad, stiletto heeled, over the top, fabulous diva bitch?! Can I have a mental breakdown? There's no drama in this drama!

Apparently, when you decided to revive the nineties classic, you only watched the first half of season one, because Sydney and Amanda aside, this show is boring me to tears.

No one wants a tame, sane version of a series whose highlights included: a psychotic doctor getting her wig ripped off, Traci Lords, a tenant joining a cult, a death in the swimming pool, a bride getting pushed into said swimming pool, two hookers, a number of faked deaths, and the entire building getting blown up. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

How on earth did you manage to create a sexless, moral values affirming nighttime soap?
I already know what it's like to live in a boring apartment complex. I don't need to watch it on T.V.

It is officially time to stop pretending people care about Jonah and Riley as a couple.
If Lauren's going to get turned out for college tuition can she please do it (a) on a dangerous street corner and (b) get a dangerous pimp?
Your bad boy's an art thief? Really? REALLY?
If you're going to have a love triangle, then please take a moment, stand outside the building, slap yourself in the face, and remember that this show is called MELROSE PLACE and all three people involved should be screwing around on each other, not sharing innocent kisses!
The entire point of watching a soap opera is ESCAPISM. The audience wants to see things they don't see in their regular lives. I can sit in my living room if I want to hear people worry about how they're going to pay the bills.

In short, lock yourselves in a hotel room, stick your faces in a giant trash bag of coke, put on the cinematic masterpiece Showgirls for inspiration, and get writing! There's still hope, but like the original after Kimberly blew up the building, it's fading.