Movie Review: Sherlock Holmes (2009)

What better way to celebrate the HannuKwaanzYuleChrist holiday than watching Sherlock Holmes? I’m sure there are lots of other better ways, but as far as movies opening this weekend, Holmes is your best bet, unless of course you’re Cougar-scoping at a screening of It’s Complicated, then everyone wishes you the best of luck with that.

At the very least, it’s a good way to spend a couple of hours while you wait for the text stating the relatives that have overstayed their welcome have finally gotten the fuck out of the house. You’re grateful because you can only use Avatar as an excuse to be away from the house so many times and being the only person in a strip bar at or around December 25th is just sad.

So while your waiting for that text, sit back, relax and enjoy watching Robert Downey Jr. be smarter than everybody, but make sure not to think about what you’re watching too much, as that might lessen your mindless gratification.

Sherlock Holmes is the latest film from hyperkinetic Brit director Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Revolver), known more recently as being Madonna’s bitch, or ex-bitch as the case may be. If you’re familiar with his movies, you pretty much know his films are style over substance incarnate as there isn’t a midstream flashback, split-screen, or ostentatious editing trick that he hasn’t tried, all to middling effect at best. So much so that the tricks more memorable than most of the films themselves, though that doesn’t mean they’re not entertaining, but in a cotton candy sort of way.

Last year’s RockNRolla was my favorite film of Ritchie’s and though it really isn’t any different than any of his other films, at least the Just-got-out-of-film-school-and-now-I-have-a-budget circus maneuvers actually serve a pretty good story, despite starring box-office toxin Gerard Butler.

I write “was”, because now Holmes is my favorite Guy Ritchie movie, as the flashbacks and the dual angles feel an intricate part of the story, instead of THE story, as in pretty much all of his films. As you watch the movie, you’ll notice an almost-perfect marriage of director and material. Sherlock Holmes is no great piece of cinema, but there’s nothing better out there right now that doesn’t involve George Clooney, Anna Kendrick (besides Kirsten Stewart, the only actor in the Twatlight Saga that will have a career once the series mercifully ends- and no, Dakota Fanning’s slumming doesn’t count), and stringy blue Tree Huggers.

Unless of course, you’re huge Alvin and the Chipmunk fans. But I’ve got a cup of grape Kool-aid saved especially for you. Just take a sip, it’ll be painless. You’ll go to a circle of hell reserved for the man/woman/team that thought up the word ‘Squeakuel’.

The plot-

And the “plot” in this case meaning the filler in between scenes of Robert Downey Jr. a) beating the crap out of someone or b) outwitting the crap out of someone and c) telling the audience exactly how he just outsmarted someone

The movie opens as Sherlock Holmes (Robert Downey Jr., keeping his spot on the A-list) and Dr. Watson (Jude Law) have just foiled what looks to be a pagan ritual of some kind like in Dragnet, saving the life of American thief Irene Adler (Mean Girls’ Rachel McAdams, looking so fetch) and arresting the smarmy Lord Blackwell (RockNRolla’s Mark Strong). Lord Blackwell has been convicted of killing 5 people, and if it weren’t for Holmes and Watson, he and his robed cabal would have killed more.

Job well done. Watson goes back to his practice and continues courting his fiancée Mary (Kelly Reilly), while Holmes remains a misanthropic shut-in whose only reason for living is the Next Case.

You better hope Holmes finds something to occupy his time, because what he’s doing to that dog just seems so very, very wrong.

Before he’s executed, Lord Blackwood requests Holmes presence before he’s hanged. A confession to Holmes perhaps? Hardly, more like a challenge: Try to sit through The Soloist more than once without vomiting.

Also, Blackwood reveals to Holmes, that though he may see him hanged, he will come back from the dead, and there’s nothing that Holmes’ mastery of logic can do because they’re messing with forces that no one can really comprehend but that he has mastered. Ooooooh....

Holmes counters that Blackwood was in Babylon AD. Blackwood blushes like a schoolgirl and realizes that that alone makes him worthy of death.

Blackwood is hanged. All copies of Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away are burned. Nicolas Cage gets sued by you for Next and Bangkok Dangerous. Everything is right in the world except we’ll never get to get to see the sequel to Uptown Girls, Uptown Girls 2: Downtown Hos.

Dr. Watson pronounces Blackwood dead. Better make sure...

Because a couple of days later Lord Blackwood comes back to life, and the killing begins again. Watson feel’s kinda dorky since he’s the one who said Blackwood was dead (“No girl wants to marry a doctor who can’t tell if a man’s dead or not”) It’s up to Holmes and Watson to stop Blackwood and learn his sinister and otherworldly plot, before it could unravel the very fabric of the universe...or at least be very bad for England.

And why is the thief Irene Adler back into the picture, is it so she can run Holmes’ nose in the fact that she’s the only person to best him mentally (twice, in fact) or is she under the employ of someone more menacing than Lord Blackwell, someone who won’t even be revealed until...

What works with Sherlock Holmes-

A scene at a dinner table that shows Holmes’ genius at deduction, and his ineptness at just about anything else having to do with actual human beings.

Holmes “thinking” through fights. Once you see these sequences in the movie, you realize why Guy Ritchie is one of the best possible choices to direct this.

The sequence with Holmes fighting really big French guy (not Guy), that’s hinted at in the ads is longer and more entertaining than you’d expect it to be. Don’t let Holmes touch you with his...Too late.

A trap involving pigs that’s more creative and more entertaining than anything you’ve seen in the previous 3 Saws combined. For those of you who still actually remember (or care) about Saw... Then again, this movie does have a budget and actual actors so...

Watson getting his palm read (“What of the Warts?!!!) is funnier than anything you’ll see in It’s Complicated, despite seeing Meryl Streep high for about half an hour.

Robert Downey Jr. continues his hot streak as he emanates Holmes for a new generation. I can’t compare him to other Holmeses as it’s been so long since I’ve seen another Holmes movie (that Michael Caine one is the most recent that comes to mind), but he makes the character his own while nailing a British accent. Maybe HE should have played Nelson Mandela in Invictus...

Odd...Robert Downey Jr. played Sherlock Holmes.
His Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang costar Val Kilmer played John Holmes.
With their combined Holmesy prowess, could they find out what happened to Katie Holmes?

Judging by its box-office take this weekend, Holmes should spawn a sequel. Goody. Because I don’t think it’s much of a spoiler to say that the movies sets up a promising premise for the sequel (“The case is reopened”), with Holmes going against his greatest adversary. Yes, Lord Voldemort is back, and it’s up to Holmes, Harry, Hermione, Hatson and Hon Heasely to stand up to him or else London is buggered.

What doesn’t work-

Brit character actor Mark Strong, so good in RockNRolla and the best thing about last year’s Body of Lies doesn’t really register as much of a villain. His role consists of him looking into the camera and saying ominous/pithy lines...and that’s pretty much it, as the character really doesn’t DO anything. Strong holds the screen better than say, Eric Bana’s whining in Star Trek, but the character’s all presence and no action. But you get the feeling as you leave the movie that the next villain will be much, much better.

Too many shots of crows. We get it: someone dies, crows appear. Thank you for reminding us about a dozen times throughout the movie.

Rachel McAdams is reduced to Kirsten Dunst in the Spider Man movies. It’s established that the character can handle herself, so it’s a letdown that she relegated to DID duty.

Overall. It’s not Complicated. See Sherlock Holmes and get a double dose of Downey as they screen the Iron Man 2 trailer just before the movie. The most enjoyable 2 hours (as opposed to Avatar’s 3) of the holiday season as you won’t be reminded too much of the real world (Up in the Air) and it has nothing to do with CGI Chipmunks. That alone makes it see-worthy. Just make sure you leave your kids with a nanny that isn’t easily “distracted” by a lurking Jude Law...