Movie Review: The Book of Eli (2010)

After seeing the trailer for The Book of Eli back in June, I wondered why they would release a Denzel Washington film in the garbage month of January. A month when all the Oscar hopefuls are given a wide release and all the refuse actually coming out in the New Year gets excreted with the meager hope that any of them break even.

Occasionally you get a Cloverfield, a Taken, or even an inexplicable hit like Paul Blart: Mall Cop (you feel stupid now, don’t you), but mostly January is for movies like The Uninvited, The Unborn, One Missed Call, In the Name of the King (awful by even Jason Statham’s very low standards) and those dorky Underworld movies.

I can see by the way you wince at those titles that you know exactly what I mean.

After surviving the post-annihilation morass that is The Book of Eli, I now know why this got dumped. Yes, the trailer is cool, but the movie sinks faster and deeper than the mud Denzel walks and walks and walks through during a movie which just FEELS like the end of the world, and not in a cool Road Warrior kind of way.

If you are able, and need to get your lone-guy-against-the-end-of-the-world fix, then go see The Road. A much, much, much better movie. I’d swear on a stack of bibles.

At least it’s not Paul Blart. But you should probably pass over this Book anyway and maybe even read an actual book.

It’s sometime in a messed-up future and the Earth is in ruins as you can see by the way the movie’s shot in bleached-out gray tones. It’s implied that something nuclear went off and everyone died. Except those that survived. Those unlucky ones became ragtag and destitute, fighting and killing for scarce things like food and water. If they don’t have enough food, they just end up eating each other. People are without hope for a better life, and those that are old enough to remember what it was like in the old days see their future looking dimmer and dimmer with each passing sunset. That belongs on a greeting card. In the ‘Sorry about your Planet’ section.

Look yonder, there’s someone walking on the horizon...

(Who is it Pa? Is it Jesus? Is it Wall-E?)

Better, Cletus. It’s Denzel Washington. Rather, it’s Denzel Washington playing Eli. Eli is a man of few words. He talks with his fists. He talks with his boots. He talks with his mouth. He talks with his big-ass knife. Those seem to do the speaking for him just fine as he may be the most badass employee K-Mart ever hired. If this were another time and era, Eli would be played by Clint Eastwood, if Clint Eastwood looked like Denzel Washington.

Eli walks. And walks. And Walks. He even walks in slow motion, which does nothing to add to the running time of an already long movie.

He seems to have a very acute nose...and that nose has knack for smelling trouble. This kind of trouble that occurs when a gang of smelly ruffians want to kill you, take your food and backpack and then rape you. Probably not in that order. Maybe it is in that order.

Don’t worry because Eli can take care of himself, and quickly dispatches the would-be hijackers. They’re not going to be troubling anyone anymore because death due to multiple stab wounds and chopped off genitalia hinders even the most persistent menace to society.

Because NOBODY touches Eli’s backpack. Not if you want to keep your hands...or your nuts.

What’s in his backpack? It looks like a rather large book. And another book called Breaking Dawn, which he keeps because it burns real easy. But the big black book is the one he cares about. What is it about that book?

Eli wanders into an unnamed makeshift town bar for provisions and some water. He doesn’t want any trouble, he just wants to be able to rest for a while before he can continue westward.

All he wants is some moments of peace. If all he wanted was some peace, why the hell did Eli go to a bar?

But that ain’t gonna happen because some idiot’s stupid enough to pick a fight with Eli (weren’t they watching the scene 10 minutes ago?), and that idiot has a bunch of inbred moron friends who’ll just join in on any fight, because apparently there’s nothing else to do to stave off boredom this side of the end of the world because you can only beat off so much in a lanolin-bereft existence. Very few people can read, but you get the idea that if these hayseeds stumbled into that kind of knowledge they’d “read” something with a big gun or a fish on the cover and their sister or grandmother in the centerfold.

It’s a barfight with deadly consequences as Eli slaughters about a dozen hicks with no fighting skills. What’s worse is that Eli even kills the guy that usually cleans up the mess after a barfight, so now all the entrails and blood are just going to be left overnight and nobody’s going to clean it up. They’ll ask “Where’s Hank? He’s supposed to clean up the mess after a barfight.” And someone will answer “Holy Crap, Hank’s dead.” And then someone else will ask “Who’ll clean up this mess then?” And then the room will be silent because no one wants to clean up the blood and guts and everyone just wants to pass it off to Hank because that’s what Hank does. But Hank’s dead now and nobody else wants to take the responsibility. Fuckin’ end of the world...

Eli’s lethal shenanigans at the bar are noticed by a despot named Carnegie (Gary Oldman, in a welcome return to bad-guy roles, though his pores could use some opening up). Carnegie notices something special about Eli and he summons him up to his private room (“Those men you killed were nobody”). Maybe it’s because he’s never seen a black guy before. Seriously, as you watch the movie you realize Denzel’s the only black person in the entire world. Would it hurt to have paid $50 a day to hire Wesley Snipes as an extra? It’s not like he’s doing anything right now.

Carnegie’s been searching all over the scorched earth for a book, and he’s shown he’s willing to do anything and kill anyone to get it.

Carnegie asks if Eli reads.

Eli answers “Every day.”

Carnegie offers Eli a job utilizing his very deadly skill set.

Eli refuses.

Carnegie isn’t willing to take no for an answer, but will hold off until the morning. He offers Eli a free room which Eli gratefully accepts along with a very pretty bouquet of flowers made from human skin and teeth.

If Carnegie can’t get Eli to stay one way, he may have to use another. Maybe Solara (Mila Kunis) the bar wench can help in that regard. Good thing that despite spending all of her life in a post-apocalyptic haze, Solara has well conditioned hair and the cleanest skin of anyone left on the planet.

Solara knocks on Eli’s door and offers herself (“It’s free of charge”) to him. Eli, because he’s either a) blind b) gay or c) stupid, turns down someone who looks like Mila Kunis. If Solara doesn’t at least stay the night then Carnegie will hurt Solara’s blind mom (Jennifer Beals, on loan from the year 1982. She’s blind because the memories of those Flashdance legwarmers have seared her vision permanently)

So Eli suggests that they eat together.

And read together.

That Eli, such a pimp.

The next morning, Solara reports back to Carnegie (“We hardly talked”).

Carnegie knows that Solara is lying about something. He gets (Sid) vicious on Solara’s mom again. Solara knows he’s not kidding, so she spills everything she found out about Eli...

Eli is carrying a huge leather bound book with a clasp on it, and he’s very protective of it. He wears women’s underwear, not because it makes him feel good, but because there’s nothing left to wear. His Facebook status reads: Eli is bummed that everyone is dead...and is gearing up for camping on Friday. And before the world ended, he was the only person left alive NOT to see Avatar because he was waiting for the lines to die down which they never did because...they literally died down.

Carnegie wants the book because he knows it’ll make him king of this burnt-out burg and all the other hovels he chooses to visit as he captures the hearts and minds of the unwashed cannibalistic masses. Forget king...the book will make him a GOD.

He breaks into Eli’s room, ready to kill, but Eli’s gone.

And the chase for the book begins. And I mean “chase” only nominally, because right after this moment, the movie gets turgid and preachy. Hey, you can always rent The Taking of Pelham 123 again....

What works with Book of Eli-

You’re not a few moments into Book when you’re shown just how much Eli loves, and I mean LOVES, the hairless pussy. To have that kind of patience is just inhumanly creepy. I think I spit something into the hair of the person in front of me when I gagged...but it was dark and I was more than willing to blame the lady in the wheelchair on my left.

You’re grateful whenever Gary Oldman shows up and begins chewing scenery. When the movie flags, and it often does, it’s good to see at least someone’s having a good time, because you sure as hell aren’t...

Wetnaps are a form currency in this fucktopian future. Simply judging by the backseat of my car...I’m rich, bitch!!!

Michael Gambon (AKA Dumbledore) and Frances De La Tour show up randomly as a Ma and Pa Kettle that carry more than carrots in their overalls and for a couple of moments, resuscitate this flatline.

Wait, Dumbledore packing heat. Sirius Black’s (Oldman) in the movie as well. Where’s Harry when you need him, because isn’t he the real savior?

(Hey, you’re going to hell for that comment)

Too late. I’ve seen the Cameron Diaz Razzie-worthy movies My Sister’s Keeper and The Box last year. Already been there...

What doesn’t work-

The fight scenes you’ve hinted at during the trailer are well executed. Too bad they’re the only ones in the movie and are barely a minute long. Sorry if you paid your money to be entertained by some dusty post-Apoc butchery, then ended up feeling like you were in Sunday school.

(SPOILER- don’t read if you want to get bored out of your fucking mind on your own) If you can figure out the climax of this movie then Ronnie Kirmudgeonvilla of Lucerne, Kentucky will refund your money. Trick! There is no climax, just a bunch of limp ending(s)
Though she more than holds her own with Washington and Oldman, Mila Kunis’ transformation from illiterate bar wench to Milla Jovovich in those shitty Resident Evil movies is about as laughably believable as anything else in the movie. Which is to say, not very much

This last week, the awful Halloween II came out on DVD, featuring Malcolm MacDowell in one of the worst performances of 2009. Just when you’re starting to fall asleep hoping this movie ends, who shows up but...Malcolm MacDowell, confirming, yet again, why you should skip this movie.

Overall. Yes kids, you’ll actually have a better time at the movie about the Raped and Mutilated girl playing in the theater right next to the one playing Book of Eli (go figure). In their first movie in 8 years, the Hughes Brothers (Menace II Society, From Hell) have sapped all the fun and brutal frolic involving the end of the world into something eye-rollingly solemn. That heavy feeling you’re having is the movie crushing itself by the weight of its own self-importance. Have a happy rest of January staying at home. Unless you’re seeing that Mel Gibson movie...