Award Shows

Chelsea Handler announced on her show last night that she will be hosting the VMAs on September 12th. She will be taking over for Russell Brand who hosted the past two shows.

No word if Chuy will be joining her, but you all can stop searching for "Chuy's Dick" because we never had pictures of it. Seriously, that is a popular search on Google. Is there something I don't know about the midget?

I'm really surprised that the Razzies are not bigger than they are, or at least televised by now. They have been around for so long, one would think they would be able to get a few Z-grade stars to help host or present the awards, and some cable channel like G4 or Comedy Central would be willing to air them each year. Maybe if a few more stars like Sandra Bullock and Halle Berry make more appearances, the Razzies will finally get noticed.

Anywhoo... It is 11 in the afternoon and I'm already drunk in anticipation of passing out before the Oscars (It makes the show much easier to watch), so I should probably stop typing. Here is a video of Sandra Bullock accepting her Razzie for Worst Actress.

WORST PICTURE: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

WORST ACTORS: All three Jonas Brothers, "Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience"

WORST ACTRESS: Sandra Bullock, "All About Steve"

WORST SCREEN COUPLE: Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper, "All About Steve"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Billy Ray Cyrus, "Hannah Montana: The Movie"

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Sienna Miller, "G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra"

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL (Combined Category for 2009): "Land of the Lost"

WORST DIRECTOR: Michael Bay, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"

WORST SCREENPLAY: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, based on Hasbro’s Transformers Action Figures

WORST PICTURE OF THE DECADE: "Battlefield Earth"

WORST ACTOR OF THE DECADE: Eddie Murphy, "Adventures of Pluto Nash," "I Spy," "Imagine That," "Meet Dave," "Norbit," "Showtime"

WORST ACTRESS OF THE DECADE: Paris Hilton, "The Hottie and the Nottie," "House of Wax," "Repo: The Genetic Opera"

Best Director- AKA Minority Report:

A black guy and a woman nominated in the same year. Unprecedented. Also a wigger (Quentin Tarantino), the son of the guy that directed Stripes and Ghostbusters, and James Cameron.

Lee Daniels for Precious- Only a handful of black directors have ever been nominated, but this is the wrong minority for the wrong year. If only there were an active black woman directing (Kasi Lemmons is the only person I can think of). Though you can credit Daniels’ strength with actors, you wouldn’t exactly call Precious a visual feast for the eyes. If this were a shitty year like 2008, he might have had more of a chance.

Kathryn Bigelow for The Hurt Locker- Her momentum has been gaining since the ending of the calendar year as she’s racked up most of the awards that matter. Plus she’s got the ‘First Woman EVER’ thing going for her. However, if she turns out to be a guy, I don’t know how many people will be pissed and it’ll take her DILF label right off. If she wins it she’ll deserve it, and I’d be rooting for her a whole lot more if it weren’t for...  read more »

Best Supporting Actress- All in all, an Anna Kendrick waistline stronger than the Best Actress category, but also one of the most predictable races (much like Best Supporting Actor). It’s okay because this award will be at the beginning of the show, when most viewers are still actually watching because it’ll be during those exhaustingly pointless dance numbers that everyone who’s tuned in will go to the bathroom or grab themselves a falafel.

Mo’ Nique for Precious: Based on a novel Push by the person who wrote Push and could have just called the movie fucking Precious and saved everybody a lot of unnecessary writing- She’s one just about every aw’ ard possible in this category, and no one else seems to be gaining any momentum on her. Part of me thinks that all the other nominees are too afraid to win because Mo’ Nique would EAT anyone else whose named got called other than hers, and I wouldn’t really want to see Pe’ nelope Cruz broken in 2 and gnawed on like she was in Dawn of the Dead her way to the stage. It’s really not wo’rth it.  read more »

2010 Oscars: My 2 cents: Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor: Now with more Colons!

Amidst dwindling ratings because of nominated films nobody would actually pay to see (The Reader, Frost/Nixon from last year, The Dark Knight’s shafting- which gets even more egregious as time goes by), interminable running times and dance numbers that make you want to have something sharp meet with something sensitive, The Academy of Movies with Overpriced tickets have decided to try to spike and spice up the awards by expanding the Best Picture field from 5 to 10 nominees (to squeeze in something we’d actually see instead of costume dramas about dead people and Holocaust drearies about dead people), well placed nudity and random beatings. Plus a member of the audience gets to use a rifle to shoot at the stage when the musical numbers get too long and boring. Aim for the head, lucky audience member, aim for the head.

We’ll find out if the shameless baiting works on Sunday March 7th. Or, based on the ratings anyway, some of us will as the rest of us have lives to lead. We’re there however, if Alec Baldwin mentions the words “Schwetty Balls” or if Steve Martin promises to never ever do another Pink Panther.  read more »

Every year Hollywood pumps out tons of garbage, but come award season time all the flops and stinkers are forgotten, so actors, directors and producers can pat themselves on the backs for the few decent films that managed to make it to movie screens that year. That is why the Razzie Awards used to be so important. It reminded people like Halle Berry that for every Monster's Ball there are two or three Catwoman movies on her resume.

However, the Razzies have become just as bad as the award shows they mock. Their 2010 nominations read like they were selected by a bunch of bitter 15-year-old fanboys. Worst Actress/Actor Miley Cyrus and The Jonas Brothers? Worst Screen Couple of 2009 - - Kristen Stewart & EITHER Robert Pattinson OR Taylor Whatz-His-Fang!?!

Instead of beating up on the obvious punching bags of the year, why not nominate actual actors and movies that are way more deserving of the title "worst." If the Razzies want to poke fun at people like Megan Fox or Miley Cyrus they should add Worst Stunt Casting or Teen Fad categories. Including them in the Worst Actress of 2009 takes away from legitimate actresses who are way more deserving of the title.

If you had to choose the worst actor of 2009 out of All Three Jonas Brothers, Will Ferrell, Steve Martin, Eddie Murphy and John Travolta, who would you choose? Although your answer should be Travolta most would probably choose the Jonas Brothers, but are the Jonas Brothers even considered movie actors?

I'm not trying to get technical. I know the Razzies are for fun, but nominating Twilight films and dumb Disney stars doesn't seem very fun or witty to me. It is obvious and boring. Kind of like Scooby-Doo and Shaggy are stoner jokes.

The Razzies should give themselves a little more credit and try to be a little less obvious with their choices... Picking on the Twilight Saga is tired and overdone. Plus how did they miss X-Men Origins: Wolverine as worst picture this year!  read more »

The list for the Adult Video News Awards nominees is always a very, very long list, and every year it seems like they're adding more categories to make it even longer. However, it may be the third most important awards show after the Academy Awards and Teen Choice Awards. Here are ALL the nominees!  read more »

I guess Kane West never watched Charm School because Mo'Nique warned us all about messing with that "dark liquor" -- it was Pumpkin's downfall and could have been the cause of West's outburst at the MTV Music Awards last night. West took several pictures of himself dragging around his sexbot Amber Rose (see topless here) and a bottle of Hennessy (see below). "Dark liquor" will make you act a fool! Trust me I know

I'm also sure that you all have heard by now, that West interrupted 19-year-old Taylor Swift's acceptance speech last night -- if not watch the video below -- but before we get to his apology, remember this happened at the VMAs. So even though it was kind of mean to blind-side Swift like he did, it was at the V-M-As and hopefully a lesson to Swift not to attend such crap in the future. Remember this is the award show that Howard Stern appeared as Fartman, and puppets get into real life feuds with human beings. Not something to take too seriously.

Anywhoo here is Kane's apology, written in his infamous all CAPS (while possibly drunk), and posted on his blog.

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”  read more »

I have said this a thousand times and I will say it a thousand more. There is a friggen awards show every other day, and guess what? It's VMA time again! I guess the Britney Spears/Russel Brand commercials worked so well last time, MTV decided to do it again.

Here is the first -- of what I'm sure will be many -- VMA commercials.

On Sunday's Teen Choice Awards Dane Cook actually did something funny for once. He called out Vanessa Hudgens for her latest nude picture scandal.

Cook told the Disney star that she should keep her clothes on and that phones are for making phone calls. The best part is Hudgens looks excited when he first yells out her name, but watch how her expression changes when she hears what he really had to say.