DVD Review

Surrogates, the new Bruce Willis Sci-fi actioner (released on DVD January 26th) is, at best, 90 distracting minutes that you quickly forget about the nanosecond after you stop your player. You can understand why it barely made a box-office blip when it was released last September (be honest, you had no idea this made it into theaters), but in the privacy of your own home, wearing nothing but pajama pants, you come to realize with lowered expectations and copious inhaling of chips and beer that...

Surrogates really isn’t that bad.

The movie really isn’t within the area code of ‘good’...but you’ll have a better time than you’d expect, because you didn’t really have any expectations that rated higher than a 4 on a scale of 10. It’s not like you’re going to see anything good in theaters this month that you haven’t seen dozens of times involving those rubbery blue people.  read more »

Every once in a while a small film finds its way through the cracks of the movie forest, amidst Oscar hopefuls, big budget blockbusters, movies about teachers show you how to do math or dance, Holocaust movies that make you feel guilty for being alive and the only way to purge that guilt is to force yourself to watch Holocaust movies every December, and sappy family films about a dog that ends up dead by the end of the movie...

Every once in a while, I’m forced to do too much fucking overtime at work and miss a late show, and I know if I don’t turn in a review Wil is going to beat me like I was Denzel Washington in Glory only except instead of a single solitary tear shed I’m weeping like I’m both Mark Walhberg and Rachel Wiesz in The Lovely Bones and I’ve just found out my daughter has just been raped and mutilated which is not really what you want to hear during the holidays but it does free up a spot at the table but I digress because I don’t want Overseer Wil to thrash me but he just doesn’t understand what it takes to deal with a bunch of 8 to 10 year old kids who in turn don’t understand that we’re going to have to work a 14 hour day today because you kids just didn’t make the deadline and if you don’t work any harder you’re never ever going to see your mom and dad again and I don’t care if you’re tired because you’ve already had your one meal for the day this morning and I even gave you water to drink when I didn’t have to and quit your cryin’ and get to work and then I’m forced to come home late and steal my neighbor’s Netflix movie along with their commemorative stamps but leave the little brown nondescript package from Adam and Eve just so I can have something to review...  read more »

Party Down
Starring: Adam Scott, Lizzy Caplan, Ken Marino, Ryan Hansen, Jane Lynch, Martin Starr
Created By: John Enbom, Dan Etheridge, Paul Rudd, Rob Thomas
Grade: B+

Creator of Veronica Mars, Rob Thomas teams up with “Mars” producers, John Enbom and Dan Etheridge along with Paul Rudd who co-starred on the show in its’ final season. It’s a very laid back and wildly hilarious show with fun characters and a new atmosphere every week. It has a similar feel to The Office, set in the workplace with an idiotic but lovable boss, the goof offs more concerned about their workplace romance than their actual work, and the nerdy guy vs. the good looking guy in an ongoing rivalry.

Ron Donald (Marino) is the team leader of the Party Down catering company. He is eager to get his team of uninterested slackers to work together and be professional so he can make a good impression on their clients. His real motivation lies in opening up his own Soup R’ Crackers, a popular all you can eat soup chain. He tries time and time again to find investors, but no one seems interested or able to take him very seriously. It’s his dream though and he can’t give up on it.  read more »

Last November, Australia opened to thousands of screens across the country and was met with savage reviews and box-office indifference usually reserved for movies starring Cuba “Can you believe he has an Oscar?” Gooding Jr. or Josh “Can you believe he has a career?” Hartnett. You intelligent blokes and sheilas saw its promos, thought it looked cheesy and stayed away in droves. Good on ya mate, as you and millions like you missed one of the more blackout-inducing movies of 2008

But I, being the cinewhore that I am, stupidly paid to see this (which was as wise an investment as buying that stock in Teddy Ruxpin) and WAS going to review it for 2snaps...but I couldn’t. Mainly because I was so fucking bored that I think I drifted off more than once, entreating the movie gods that the movie would end or at least end my life but getting my hopes and dreams quashed hour after interminable hour.

I normally don’t take notes while watching movies I’m going to review simply because if I forget something I’ll just make it up. But when I woke up from my coma that Thanksgiving weekend I noticed “notes” all over my arms that I had written with the jagged edges of my car keys simply to keep myself awake due to the pain. It wasn’t entirely successful as I passed out from boredom or blood loss or a combination of both, but I’m guessing it was mostly boredom (I can see you who’ve seen the movie nodding your head in agreement and checking the scars on your arms/neck as well) Yes, the wounds are healing nicely but they’ll always remind me of that incessant time at the movies trying to endure Australia and failing miserably  read more »

If you decide to actually rent Flash of Genius (you shouldn’t), I can almost guarantee that you’ll be taken back to memories of grade or even high school when your teacher made your class watch a movie instead of actually teaching something for 2, maybe even 3 classes if everyone was lucky.

It gave your poor teacher a chance to fuck another married teacher in the lounge. After that 5 minutes was up they would bet on which students would or wouldn’t graduate and who’d be pathetic enough to actually stay in the town they went to High School in.

It gave you the opportunity to check out whether cheerleader Mary Lou McSwaney was stuffing her bra (she wasn’t) or if Dirk Gooniebob III, captain of the football team, was stuffing his pants (he was).

The point being, nobody was watching the movie. Why? Because it was fucking boring. Because it hammered a MESSAGE that nobody wanted to listen to unless it was something that also entertained you. Because it gave you a chance to actually close your eyes during class instead of pretending you actually cared about what the teacher was saying. Because there was no nudity and very little swearing.

I’ll give you some examples from my personal school career of shit that I was forced to watch because it was deemed “important” or “scholastically relevant”. I’m sure you have your own crappy school movies downloaded into your memory card. Sure, occasionally they threw in Mississippi Burning or JFK, but mostly we got stuff like-  read more »

Joan of Arcadia: Season 1
Starring: Amber Tamblyn, Jason Ritter, Mary Steenburgen, Joe Mantegna, Michael Welch, Chris Marquette, Becky Wahlstrom
Created By: Barbara Hall
DVD Release: 2005
Grade: B+

Joan of Arcadia is a series I have been meaning to see for a long time. It’s incredible ensemble cast is really what brought my attention to it most. Amber Tamblyn is one of the finest young actresses today. The way she takes on a character has such a charge of energy, creativity, and ultimately truth that is just bursting through the screen. Tamblyn alongside the equally inspired, Jason Ritter, and the charming Mary Steenburgen, bring out the sharpness of all of the very engaging relationships, evaluating the very interesting premise of the questioning of ones belief and discovering the meaning in life.  read more »

Towelhead
Starring: Summer Bishil, Aaron Eckhart, Peter Macdissi, Eugene Jones III, Toni Collette
Directed By: Alan Ball
Written By: Alan Ball (screenplay), Alicia Erian
Released: 2008
Grade: B+

Towelhead is based on a novel by Alicia Erian. Both center on a 13-year-old Arab-American girl during the Gulf War who is physically mature for her age. Sex is such a major element in the film. More than not though it is an uncomfortable sexual element, which ties in to a young girl’s suffering, desires, and path to finding herself.

Jasira Maroun (Bishil) is a young teenage girl who is growing faster than those her age around her. Her mom (Maria Bello) doesn’t make this any easier when she is living with her. She sends Jasira away to live with her strict Lebanese father (Macdissi) in Texas. He gets very uncomfortable with his daughter turning in to a women, forcing her to cover up her developing body. Jasira has struggles with her new surroundings that target her for being an Arab-American. Jasira is ridiculed by most kids in her school and even her next door neighbor that she baby sits treats her with no respect. The boy’s father, Travis Vuoso (Eckhart), a small-minded army reservist who has a fixation with Jasira appears to be more accepting. When Jasira finds one of Mr. Vuoso’s pornographic magazines she enjoys it far more than anticipated, a feeling that she is desperate to hold on to. Mr. Vuoso is unhappily married and can’t stay away from Jasira. He sexually abuses her when she tells him that he is hurting her and to stop. One of Jasira’s neighbors, Melina (Collette), begins picking up on the two of them being alone together. She tries to be there for Jasira as much as she can to be the mother she is a missing and just someone she can talk to when there is no one else.  read more »

Made of Honor
Starring: Patrick Dempsey, Michelle Monaghan, Kevin McKidd
Directed By: Paul Weiland
Written By: Adam Sztykiel, Deborah Kaplan
Released: 2008
Grade: C-

Made of Honor is a very predictable romantic comedy that really doesn’t do much to bring out the romance or the comedy. There really aren’t any notable funny moments. The guy trying to get the girl is supposed to be the romantic element of the film, but is really just selfishness. Even the other relationship that is shown in the film seems extremely lackluster and hollow. I guarantee that you already know nearly everything that will happen in this movie and without a doubt the outcome. It is not presented in a way deriving from any creativity or made to be all that appealing. Worst of all they try to spin it by making this manly womanizer a maid of honor, as if that makes this film some new revelation.  read more »

Redbelt, the new film from playwright (Glengarry Glen Ross, American Buffalo) and occasional director David Mamet (House of Games- one the 80’s best movies, The Spanish Prisoner), is filled with scenes displaying either Honor (with a capital ‘H’) or Jiu-Jitsu…and sometimes even both. But that isn’t to say this is an action film in any sense as it’s mostly talky. Just thought I’d let you know right now in case the trailer or even the nifty box cover led you astray…

If you’ve seen a Mamet film before you’d know it, but if you haven’t…here’s what you’ve been missing (this is my best attempt at Mamet-ian dialogue- my apologies in advance)

Speaker 1: So did you see that movie last night?
Speaker 2: What? What movie? Wh-Wh-What fuckin’ movie? I’ve been in the house all fuckin’ cooped up not doing anything but I didn’t see any fuckin’ movie?
Speaker 1: You know, that movie. What fuckin’ movie you ask? THAT fuckin’ movie. I c-c-c-can’t believe you didn’t see it last night, since it was on, um, last night. It was the fuckin’ greatest movie
Speaker 2: Are you askin’ me if I saw that movie last night? There are certain things that a man doesn’t ask another man. And askin’ another man if he saw that movie last night is kinda like askin’ that man if he wants to suck his dick. Cuz’ I know you’re askin’ me if I saw that movie last night, but that’s not what you’re really askin’ me. So why the fuck don’t you ask me what you really want to ask me?
Speaker 1: So….did you see that movie last night?  read more »

My Name is Earl: Season 2
Starring: Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, Nadine Valazquez, Eddie Steeples,
Created By: Gregory Thomas Garcia
DVD Release: 2007
Grade: A

The karma and moralistic motivated, My Name is Earl, taking place in a small simple town in Camden county, manages to seem even funnier and fresher in its’ sophomore season. A few of the episodes here show uniqueness and an ironic heart with the offbeat tone that much of the show reflects upon are really what got me in to the show when I first saw them aired on NBC. There really is no other show like My Name is Earl, which is extremely refreshing when nearly every other sitcom on TV is comparable, something that is true for even the best ones. What other show could you expect to see a man visiting a bearded lady and a town of ‘circus freaks’ desperate to make up his wrongs to her and to take a step in their shoes? This is really only the beginning of the charm of the show and the second season manages to capture this and brings the characters to their full potential.  read more »