reviews

It’s been a while since I’ve written a review, and there’s a very sad story behind it. After viewing a free screening of Charlie St. Cloud a couple of weeks ago I went legally blind for a couple of days. After going to the doctor, she asked me what I think might have happened, and after I responded viewing Charlie St. Cloud, she proceeded to laugh raucously and then kicked me in the testicles for being “a fucking moron” likening watching Cloud to drinking a gallon of paint thinner. A lot of other people went blind during that screening, and unlike me some haven’t fully recovered. We can only pray for them.

I’m still holding out hope, but it seems like I got off light because there was a report that a 10-year old girl, Suzie Johnsonhead of Madeuptown, Missouri actually murdered her mother, father and little brother Brutus for making her watch Charlie St. Cloud instead of Dinner for Schmucks or The Other Guys like she suggested. Little Suzie has been given a scholarship to the Ivy League school of her choice when she comes of age and the Dalai Lama has commended her as Ambassador of Peace. Now I wished I murdered her mother and father, though killing her little brother seems a little extraneous since he was only 7. We SOCSCers (Survivors of Charlie St. Cloud) still suffer from night terrors, but time and the occasional good movie tend to heal all wounds.

Happy to say I’m almost ready to forgive Zac Efron for ruining everyone’s life, because she seems like a decent enough girl who just keeps making really bad movies. Hope she does well making High School Musical 27...  read more »

It’s 2008 all over again in regards to the movie year. Not a good thing. If one thinks about it, 2010 is actually a little worse than ‘08. I hope the remaining half-year proves me wrong.

Sad that the most interesting and funny thing in regards to anything movie related has been watching and hearing Mel “Raped by a pack of n**********” Gibson’s career disintegrate right before our eyes and ears. Makes me glad that I was never part of the 2002 movie Signs, as nobody from that movie has escaped intact (Gibson, what’s left of M. Night Shyamalans’ career, and the fruit loop that has become Joaquin Phoenix). Next we’re going to see Abigail Breslin flambé puppies and Rory Culkin keep Filipino women in his basement.

Like 2 years ago, Christopher Nolan (Memento, The Prestige, Following) has saved 2010 from becoming a Dark Age of cinema, because the past 2 years have proven that The Dark Knight is STILL the movie of 2008, while the rest of the also-rans (that illiterate Nazi Kate Winslet movie, that movie with the Indian Kid implausibly winning on a game show) have Lohan’d themselves into practical Feldman-like nonexistence.

With Inception, Nolan has crafted and unusually intelligent piece of summer entertainment that begs to be seen more than once and has proven himself a filmmaker incapable of making a bad movie. If it weren’t for the fact that I had to let my son Lobo out of his cage to get watered and allowed his bi-weekly ration of table crackers, I would have gladly paid and watched the very next screening. Damn those CPS sticklers.  read more »

The new action-comedy Knight and Day represents minor triumphs for its stars Cameron Diaz and Tom Cruise. It’s a solid if unspectacular piece of summer fluff that you forget about as soon as you leave the theater, but at least that’s better than the perpetual look of disenchantment on your face after you’ve seen most of these summer’s movies that don’t involve a wooden cowboy and a plastic astronaut.

I’ll be honest, I still shed tears when I think about Toy Story 3, (SPOILER) especially the climax when Woody and Buzz save Andy from that white slavery ring after he’s been drugged, sodomized and put up for auction. Pure Pixar genius.

After the couch-jumping incident it seems that Tom Cruise’ career has been off-kilter, from the underperforming Mission Impossible III, to the flat-out bomb that was Lions for Lambs. While Valkyrie was a halfway decent movie, it was unfortunate to be released about 9 months before Inglourious Basterds. Still, there was hope as he was one of the best things about Tropic Thunder and consequently THE best thing about the bad joke known as the MTV movie awards (New Moon? Seriously?). All he needs is a hit, but those seem to be difficult to come by. Hopefully, Knight and Day rakes in hundreds of millions and puts him back on the A-list, not that he ever really left, but it seems the perception’s been that he’s been more of a Scientology poster boy, hanging out with his little sister Katie Holmes than a real actor.  read more »

As far as Memorial Day Weekends at the movies go, you’d be much better off staying at home or taking that trip for that entire extra day you have off.

Unless of course, your idea of a good time is listening to menopausal rich white women whine about their “problems” for an interminable 2 and a half hours, then that Sex and the City sequel may just be up your botoxed alley.

If you saw the trailers to Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time and were looking for a good old-fashioned time from Mike Newell, director of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire...you’d be better off watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Unless you’re a huge fan of the POP videogame or have a gushing wettie to see Jake Gyllenhaal cavorting around shirtless, then for the most part Prince of Persia is dull and plodding, full of empty calories and as creatively desolate as the movie’s numerous desert shots.

That’s not to say that Sands of Time doesn’t have its moments of dumb summer escapism, but moments are all they are. I mean, it’s Disney. It’s rated PG. Make of that what you will.

The movie opens with a prologue involving the King of Persia Sharamar (Richard Pickup) and his lurking brother Nazim (Ben Kingsley, looking even more sinister than usual in his Fall Out Boy eyeliner). While on a trip to the market, King Sharamar witnesses an athletic young thief named Dastan perform an act of bravery against his knights. Because the King is feeling particularly benevolent, he adopts the boy and makes him an honorary Prince of Persia. So kids, if you’re going to steal, make sure you do it in front of a very rich member of royalty because they will adopt you and take you away from a life of crime and syphilis.  read more »

After stepping over the inert carcass that was last week’s vacuous Nightmare on Elm Street remake (did you actually think it would be good?), the summer movie season begins in earnest with the highly anticipated sequel to one of the summer of 2008’s few bright spots not named The Dark Knight, Iron Man. The movie catapulted star Robert Downey Jr. to the A-list, and with the exception of The Soloist, he has never looked back. To think there was a time we all thought he’d be dead by the time 2010 rolled around...

Does the ironically titled Iron Man 2 reach the level of metal-clanging fun as the original? Not really, but it’s still a pretty good 2 hours at the movies, as you and/or someone you know will find out this weekend, judging by the lines in and around the theater that began forming a little before midnight Thursday night. Plus, it’s shot in glorious 2D and has a torrid makeout scene with Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow. Due to the PG-13 rating what happens after they lock lips was cut (though you can see huge plastic toys in the background) but hopefully it’ll be included when the DVD comes out.  read more »

Starring: Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, Kyle Galner, Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker, Kellan Lutz
Directed By: Samuel Bayer
Written By: Wesley Strick, Eric Heisserer
Grade: D+

From the beginning my expectations for the Nightmare on Elm Street remake were pretty low. There was no way it could compare to the classic slasher that gave birth to one of the most striking serial killers in horror cinema, blurred the lines or reality and fiction, and gave us some of the most iconic death scenes. Michael Bay and Platinum Dunes’ involvement didn’t help matters as they don’t seem to want to bring out anything new or intriguing with their remakes; just to take the easy way out and regurgitate what has already been done and giving us a lesser version of the original film.

The news of a Freddy Krueger void of the legendary, Robert Englund, attached seemed like it had even less promise. Englund brought life to Freddy; making him demented with a snappy, dark sense of humor and even more in your face and insane. He was wildly entertaining and chilling at the same time. Was there anyone who could utilize everything that Freddy Krueger was? I couldn’t even think of an ideal actor to play this let alone a realistic choice.  read more »

All publicity is good publicity, but most of the time negative press is better. Especially when you’re trying to shill a movie...

If you regularly peruse reviews you might have read that none other than Roger Ebert (follow Ebert on Twitter) , in his 1-star review of Kick-Ass, called the movie “morally reprehensible”. That kicks ass. I wonder if the producers will thank Mr. Ebert in an audio commentary when a barb like that adds 10-15% more box-office. Maybe they should mail him a free screener and Kick-Ass ? T-shirt.

If arguably the world’s most popular movie reviewer gets all huffy puffy and takes the time out to call a movie morally reprehensible instead of just bad...then you know Kick-Ass is the must-see of April. On top of all that it’s a pretty good movie as well that appeals to that sick nihilistic inner demon in all of us (and by ‘us’ I mean you) to just fuck someone up when the impulse ignites. At my screening, the crowd’s laughter, ooohs, aahs and ‘Holy Shit’s led me to believe that they did not agree with Ebert’s assessment. He’s entitled to his opinion of course, but he did give positive reviews to The Box and The Happening, so he’s been known to have his head up his (kick)ass.  read more »

Now that Nicolas Cage’s financial woes have been made decidedly public, one realizes it’s a lot easier to swallow some of the atrocious film choices he’s made over the past couple of years. Since we know he was doing stuff strictly for the money, it’s easier to accept that than to think he believed that Bangkok Dangerous, Con Air, Next, Snake Eyes, The Wicker Man, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and Knowing might actually make good movies.

Not many people would turn down 7 figures to act, especially with Uncle Sam breathing down their neck. So go ahead Nic, best of luck, cash in as much as you can even though The Sorcerer’s Apprentice looks as godawful as most of your recent dreck. We won’t hold it against you...and we are looking forward to Kick-Ass.

Because we know what it’s like when you have to, just HAVE to get 50 cars, a $276,000 dinosaur skull, and a pet Octopus. There are some things a person needs, and if you have to pimp anything resembling artistic credibility doing Gone in 60 Seconds because you really need that shrunken head, more power to you.  read more »

For those of you waiting at least a week to watch Alice in Wonderland in order to avoid the invasion of the hordes, yet still want something worthwhile and entertaining...without having to take the kids

For those of you who could only see Shutter Island so many times...

The Ghost Writer is the movie you’ve been waiting about 2 weeks for. One hopes this movie doesn’t lose box-office simply because it’s confused with that horrendous Nicolas Cage t’aint smear from 2007. It’s a rather quaint throwback thriller with a 70’s feel. As you watch it, you feel like you’re watching an entirely new genre, but all that’s occurring is a very good story being told with nothing added for effect (written by Polanski and Robert Harris, based on Harris’ novel "The Ghost"). The movie’s a solid two hours running time, but it feels half that long as there isn’t a wasted moment because you’re paying attention to everything that occurs.

The movie ends perfectly, yet I found myself sitting, hoping for more. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way in a theater that wasn’t screening something with the words “Nurses” or “Cheerleaders”. The more you get engrossed in it, the more you realize most studio releases are utter crap.

Be warned, The Ghost Writer contains very little violence, no nudity, and a very funny dearth of profanity (I’ll address that later). It’s a very adult movie (no, not that kind), so those of you bored with incisive dialogue and a generously unfolding story should just go see Cop Out again. It’s the best movie you’ll see this year that isn’t directed by Martin Scorsese.  read more »

“You're only as healthy as you feel.”
-- Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver

“I'm in a street fight, and I'm not going to lose.”
-- Howard Hughes from The Aviator

“You'll never leave this island.”
-- George Noyce from Shutter Island

The tendrils of expectations are a carnivorous bitch. The shadows on the wall are very much alive in the 21st Century despite the deviations of spectacle over content. As far as I am concerned, the first decade of the 21st Century has produced memorable cinema. In fact, so much, I am never sure where to begin when selecting favorites and I have plenty of favorites. Amidst everything that has happened over the last decade, one of the most unlikely cinematic partnerships has endured to the point of rapturous euphoria. The partnership between director Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio has paid off in handsome dividends ever since the two worked together on the 2002 operatic, Sergio Leone inspired, Gangs Of New York. In terms of progression, it seems only fair that Shutter Island follows everything that has come before it. Speaking of enduring partnerships, David Fincher and Brad Pitt were attached to the Dennis Lehane novel at one time. A David Fincher interpretation of this film would have been fascinating because he is one of two living directors, other than Martin Scorsese, who could pulled this off. The Scorsese/DiCaprio partnership has become a worthy successor to the partnership that Scorsese had with Robert De Niro.  read more »